May 4th, 2012

Wow, I can't believe it's May already.  Crazy.

Trever and I were talking a couple of days ago.  Talking about how we are so thankful to be in a good place right now.  He referenced how at the beginning of this journey he would say that we were dealing with a negative experience in a positive way.  Now he doesn't really view this as a negative experience anymore.  I like that.

I've thought about it more over the past couple of days and I think I agree.  I'm thankful for this experience.  I'm not saying I prefer this over the option of raising a healthy, happy 4th child.  But I'm thankful that we both knew we wanted to embrace this growing life, that we have both experienced a paradigm shift about what a life is "supposed to be".  That we eagerly love Abigail.  I'm not saying that I don't still feel pain, and an anticipation of loss.  But I'm thankful to also feel gratitude about this pregnancy.

I hear so many examples in our culture of trying to avoid pain.  I see it in the way we raise our children.  In the end I really don't think it's possible.  I think trying to avoid pain makes us unprepared when we finally find ourselves surrounded by it.

I'm thankful that we are having a chance to remember that life is full of different emotions.  I am blessed to be living.

A wise friend was talking to me today about sorrow being a choice.  That we all face hard times, but it might be how we face those challenges that encourages our sorrow.  (I'm totally adding to what she said and definitely not articulating well).  I know sorrow will come, pain will last longer than I'd like, joy will feel elusive, but I get to make choices.  I can let myself get stuck, or I can embrace the feelings, appreciate them and grow with them.  (This is absolutely NOT putting a timeline on my own or someone else's right to feel lingering pain). I don't think I've thought through this enough to explain myself.  Oh well.

Abby is moving around a lot in my belly.  I try to sit and enjoy her movements a couple of times each day.  To really focus and treasure her.  We only have about 12 weeks left until we meet her.  I find myself excited for the time to pass quickly... and then wanting it to take twice as long.  For right now we have this beautiful life growing inside me, she is safe.  Even though I don't know if she will be alive when she is born, I am so excited to meet her, to see her and to hold her.