November 11th, 2012

I miss my baby girl so much.  Sometimes it feels like this has all been a dream.  We loved Abigail in my belly for so long, but our time with her was so brief.

Some days it is difficult to remember why my life feels so different.  To know where this sadness comes from.

I'm fairly confident that if someone didn't know me they would have no idea what I have experienced this year.  (A good reminder that we never really know what the people around us are going through.)

People who do know me barely know what I've (we've) gone through.  What we are still working through.

My good friend asked me last night how I was doing.  I stumbled over the answer.

Am I fine? Great? Sad? Normal?

Is this my new normal?  Is this who I am, and how do I even describe how I feel?  How do I describe what it is like to walk through my days?

I still feel foreign to myself, so it's hard to imagine that this is my new normal.

But I have realized that I can go for a period of time without my mental dialog telling me how each step is different, how each moment has been affected by my love for Abby.  I don't always know how long I go. It used to be constant.  Now there are spaces of silence, of truly just being present in the moment.  Present might not be the right word... I think it's more that I am able to be consumed by the moment.  I am always present, even when my dialog is helping me along.

There is some guilt as I realize that I am healing.  We've been learning at GriefShare that the feelings of guilt are normal.  I guess I'm glad we're going to GriefShare.

It gives me time each week to really focus on our loss and learn how to live with my grief as well as work through it.

We are getting the opportunity to learn so much about grief, even aspects that don't seem to apply to us.  We will have lots of tools and insight for future grief, ours or someone else's.  A lot of the knowledge comes down to quietly supporting someone, letting them have the space/closeness/time that they need.  Knowing that this process is *long* for most situations.  Longer than the grieving person will expect and much longer than the friends/family would expect.  Each story is different, but the lack of road map and the presence of confusion seem to be universal.

Next week the focus is on the loss of a child.  It's going to be a tough session.  Trever changed his schedule so he can be there.  I'm glad we're going together.  I feel a bit of anxiety just thinking about it.  

Trever is so wonderful.  I am constantly reminded of how blessed I am to have his partnership, his love in my life.