January 2nd, 2012

I couldn't sleep last night.  I'm fairly sure we're pregnant.

I spent some serious time praying last night.  I was in a panic.  It's hard to even process all the ways in which I feel anxiety.  I'm scared to loose control over my body again, before I've even gotten it back.  I'm afraid to be in pain during this pregnancy... to have it be hard on me again.  I'm sad that I'll be out of work again (which I'll surely get over).  That I still won't be able to give Natalie a sister (not that I am actually partial to the gender myself). I'm only really thinking about the small worries.

Because right under the surface of those worries lie the bigger ones.  The fear of another problem.  The fear of Trisomy 18 again, the fear of a different problem this time.  The fear of all of the emotions that will go along with this pregnancy.

I remember being pregnant with Natalie.  We had just had a miscarriage before we got pregnant with her.  Her pregnancy was the first that I was acutely aware of the stress that could be associated with pregnancy.  I got past it, but I was never as naive during a pregnancy again.

Then there was the scare at the beginning with Andrew.

Then there was Abby.

And now?  What will this experience hold?

And are we even pregnant.  I took a test today and it was negative.  But that doesn't really sooth me since I'm still late.

But last night I prayed.  And this morning I woke up and realized that everything will be okay.  If we are pregnant I know it will be a blessing.

Our life is filled with blessings.  We are rich with life, with all the experiences that we've walked through together.

If we are pregnant than we are going to rock it... we are going to ride the waves of stress, joy and confusion.  And we are going to embrace each moment.  Holding each other up when necessary and snuggling into the joy together also.

I'll be honest, a part of me wanted to feel relief when I took the test.  And I'll probably feel relief if in fact we are not pregnant.  But right now I'm trying to stay open to the idea.  If we are pregnant I want to find the excitement as quickly as possible.

Holy shit.  I have no idea what I'm in for.  My chest is tight with fear.  My life feels like a roller coaster.  What were we thinking?????

Life's blessings usually come from the things that I did not know I needed...

UPDATE: We are not pregnant.  I think we learned a lot from this situation.  And I know we are both relieved to know we aren't pregnant.  But the relief is slowing being replaced by my confusion regarding growing our family.

When I really stop to evaluate I feel confident that we are done growing our family.  But it's so hard to believe that it my heart.  I am so conflicted in my heart.  Making a permanent decision is going to be so difficult.