It was one year ago today that I talked to our doctor about the concerns regarding our baby.
I can go back to that moment so easily.
The tension of sitting and waiting for the call, while trying to interact and remain present with my friends. The apprehension as the phone rang, and walking over to the other side of the pool to have the conversation with Dr. Sears.
Hearing the list of concerns.
Being both overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions, while also feeling numb. Utter disbelief.
Sobbing so hard that she had to sit and wait for me to catch my breath.
The rest of the night I was in shock. Knowing our life had just shifted, but not knowing what the journey would look like.
Just thinking back to one year ago brings tears to my eyes. My chest is tight. I ache for the days before our reality became known. For the morning that we ate birthday cake, celebrating our first son and getting ready to go for our ultrasound to meet our youngest baby.
I had no way of knowing that although our news was devastating, the journey would hold beauty. Our story didn't revolve around the loss and sadness. There was so much love, so many precious memories to be made. Memories that I get to hold onto for all of my years.
The worst chapter that I ever want to experience in my life was also filled with so many blessings. Lessons about life, about love, about embracing the journey.
I'm so glad we got to meet our little Abigail. To hold her and love her. To cherish her while we grew her. To know that she touched so many and she will always be in our hearts.
We were so blessed to have time with our angel. But, oh what I would do for just a few more moments. To feel her in my arms, to touch her soft skin. To tell her how much I treasure her, how much I miss her.
I think of you often and don't come to visit your blog often enough. I wanted to tell you I am so thankful that you are able to share your thoughts and feelings here like you do. I stopped blogging at about 6 months and I can see a real delay in my healing process because of it. I hope you keep up with it! :)
ReplyDeleteWe've gone back and forth about whether or not we would have wanted to know about Kristen's condition before she was born or not. Would I have wanted to know ahead of time, spending a pregnancy planning a funeral but able to prepare myself for the expected, or not know and spend a pregnancy expecting a life but be broadsided by the unknown with no time to prepare. Obviously, we can't change the past, but as I read your memories and how you used those months leading up to her birth to love her, I wish we had known. I love that you celebrated every moment of her life from conception, not just fearing the future and the unknown, but embracing the present and what you did know - that your time with her on earth was going to be limited and you had to take it for all it was going to be. The fact that you started creating memories with her before she was even born is a gift to both her and your family. It makes me want to go back and scrape every memory I possibly can from photos and blog posts, reclaiming those memories as parts of her life.
Thank you Jennifer for sharing Abigail with me. :)
It's so hard... I am so thankful that I knew. I feel like we were able to really embrace the journey. But part of me was always sad, and that wouldn't have been the case if we hadn't found out.
DeleteDo you know the Indigo Girls song (did I just age myself?) that says "now I think of having loved and having lost, you never know what it's like to never love, who can say what's better and my heart's become the cost"
I think about that. You and I lived out the two sides of the coin. And neither of us can know what it would be like the other way. We both had blessings along with our pain.
I hope you are able to go back and relive her pregnancy. To embrace the joys and memories in a new way. To know that Kristen was there with you even if you didn't know her yet.
I feel so much heart ache wishing I could go back and experience those hours that we were able to hold her. I always wonder if I did enough. Did I look at her enough, hold her enough, kiss her and tell her how much I love her? Was I too caught up in exhaustion and shock? Did she really feel my love??? I wonder if I will ever feel at peace if I will ever just accept that it was what it was. That I did what I did and I can't change any of it anyway. In truth I can barely remember those hours. At least it feels that way. But Trever reminds me that it feels like I don't remember much because there are so few hours to remember.
I'm thinking of our girls today.
My life feels so busy lately, but I really would love to meet up sometime. Thank you for always touching base. And that you again for our darling Molly Bear!!!!