Abigail's birthday is getting closer. I feel myself getting anxious.
We're planning to spread her ashes on her birthday. I just know it's going to be a big mix of emotions.
It will be so unsettling to hold that little bit of her, to revisit the intensity from a year ago. Not that I don't revisit our experience often, but this will be different.
I can't believe it's almost been a year. I can't believe it's really over, that we met Abby and she left us.
I still ache for the chance to meet her again, to hold her, kiss her and stare at her. I still ache for the hope of another child. Not a hope for another child, but the hope we had at the start of our pregnancy with Abigail.
I can so clearly remember the day I realized we were probably pregnant. And the moment we knew. I "knew" she was a girl. I had never felt a belief like that with my previous pregnancies. I'm not sure what made me believe there was a baby girl growing in me, maybe it was just an unacknowledged desire.
And the moment we found out the baby really was a little girl. Our little moment of joy after learning that the baby had Trisomy 18. It exhausts me just remembering back to the intensity of those days.
I can't believe the journey we've had. What I wouldn't do to go back. To experience life when I thought I would have four babies in my house. To go back and just feel Abigail moving around in me. The hope, the fear, the everything about it. I think the anxiety of being around people, being in public, was the worst part. Clearly not the *worst*, but really it kind of was.
A year ago I wanted time to go as slow as possible. I wanted my little girl to stay safe in my belly.
Some things have stayed the same. I'm still begging for time to go slowly. So I can embrace each of my kids, so I can try to connect with each of them daily, so I can not acknowledge that it's been a year since I've held my littlest baby girl.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
May 24th, 2013
I was just staring at Abigails picture. It's strange how long I can go through the days just knowing her picture is in front of me but not really looking at it.
And then when I start to look at her, I can't turn my eyes away. I want to touch her so badly, I think I stare at her in hopes that I can feel her through my eyes.
It's been 10 months. It's hard not to play the what if game. What would Abigail be like at 10 months? We'd be getting ready to take her picture with a sign for her age. Would she be pulling herself up, grabbing all her siblings toys? Drooling on her sister's babies. Natalie wants a sister so badly, would she have been more patient with her baby stages?
Would Abigail have been giggly and excited every time her siblings came around. Would she be sleeping through the night? (My kids have never slept through the night as early as I would have liked, but I treasured those cuddles in the darkness).
I wish I could transport myself back and relive that one amazing day. I wish I could feel her in my arms and run my finger along every inch of her body. To memorize every little thing. I wish I had gotten more sleep in the days we were waiting for her, so I could have been more alert, more connected to the time we were able to share with her.
It's hard not to let the regrets and disappointments become overwhelming. It's hard to just accept what was, and embrace the positive moments. To know that I did hold her, stare at her, love her with every ounce that I could.
And then when I start to look at her, I can't turn my eyes away. I want to touch her so badly, I think I stare at her in hopes that I can feel her through my eyes.
It's been 10 months. It's hard not to play the what if game. What would Abigail be like at 10 months? We'd be getting ready to take her picture with a sign for her age. Would she be pulling herself up, grabbing all her siblings toys? Drooling on her sister's babies. Natalie wants a sister so badly, would she have been more patient with her baby stages?
Would Abigail have been giggly and excited every time her siblings came around. Would she be sleeping through the night? (My kids have never slept through the night as early as I would have liked, but I treasured those cuddles in the darkness).
I wish I could transport myself back and relive that one amazing day. I wish I could feel her in my arms and run my finger along every inch of her body. To memorize every little thing. I wish I had gotten more sleep in the days we were waiting for her, so I could have been more alert, more connected to the time we were able to share with her.
It's hard not to let the regrets and disappointments become overwhelming. It's hard to just accept what was, and embrace the positive moments. To know that I did hold her, stare at her, love her with every ounce that I could.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
March 30, 2013
I was staring at our screen saver this afternoon. It's a picture from when Andrew was 3 months old. (Maybe I should update???)
I often find myself thinking in terms of Before v. After. That picture was taken Before.
What if we had stopped growing our family at 3 children?
We would have missed so much. We wouldn't have known it, but our lives wouldn't be as wonderful. We would have missed the opportunity to learn so much, to love so much, to embrace the pain and the joy.
I'm so thankful that we decided to open our hearts to another child.
And I'm so thankful that we opened our hearts to loving Abigail. Our lives are rich with the gifts she brought to us.
Some days I can feel my love for her, other days my walls are up and I can only think about my love.
I feel distant from Abigail today. I can't feel her in my arms. I can't get to that special place that I share with her. It makes me feel sad to be distant from her, to realize that my heart is distracted.
Maybe I'll go snuggle all my kids and then spend some time with my Abby Bear.
I often find myself thinking in terms of Before v. After. That picture was taken Before.
What if we had stopped growing our family at 3 children?
We would have missed so much. We wouldn't have known it, but our lives wouldn't be as wonderful. We would have missed the opportunity to learn so much, to love so much, to embrace the pain and the joy.
I'm so thankful that we decided to open our hearts to another child.
And I'm so thankful that we opened our hearts to loving Abigail. Our lives are rich with the gifts she brought to us.
Some days I can feel my love for her, other days my walls are up and I can only think about my love.
I feel distant from Abigail today. I can't feel her in my arms. I can't get to that special place that I share with her. It makes me feel sad to be distant from her, to realize that my heart is distracted.
Maybe I'll go snuggle all my kids and then spend some time with my Abby Bear.
Monday, March 18, 2013
March 18th, 2013
March is Trisomy Awareness month. I remember learning a few years ago that March 21st was Down Sydrome awareness day. At the time I didn't realize that each of the first 23 days of march held a different significance.
March 18th will probably always feel different to me. (March because it is the 3rd month and Trisomy is a condition with a 3rd copy of a chromosome... just in case this isn't making sense.)
I spent time watching our video from Abigails service. I watched it with Natalie. We both with Abigail had stayed with us. My heart is so sad for Natalie, and for myself (and the rest of the family) when I hear her say "I wish Abigail had stayed". What a loving a precious sister Natalie is, I wish she had been given more time to love on Abigail.
I remember being so thankful we were at the hospital. But I'm always torn when I look back. Wishing we had been at home, that our kids could have come and gone from the room. Living their life and interacting with their sister more.
It's not healthy to think too much about those thoughts. The past can't be changed. And I know at the time we were very peaceful and thankful for how the story unfolded. I'm just so thankful we had the kids come back to the hospital to spend more time with Abigail.
In the video it's so obvious which pictures were taken when she was still strong and which came later when her body was working so hard to live. It's clear why we felt so confident in her life those first hours. What a gift, to feel so much hope.
My feeling of being incomplete isn't as strong lately. My heart aches for Abigail, but it also feels peace from the love that still surrounds me.
March 18th will probably always feel different to me. (March because it is the 3rd month and Trisomy is a condition with a 3rd copy of a chromosome... just in case this isn't making sense.)
I spent time watching our video from Abigails service. I watched it with Natalie. We both with Abigail had stayed with us. My heart is so sad for Natalie, and for myself (and the rest of the family) when I hear her say "I wish Abigail had stayed". What a loving a precious sister Natalie is, I wish she had been given more time to love on Abigail.
I remember being so thankful we were at the hospital. But I'm always torn when I look back. Wishing we had been at home, that our kids could have come and gone from the room. Living their life and interacting with their sister more.
It's not healthy to think too much about those thoughts. The past can't be changed. And I know at the time we were very peaceful and thankful for how the story unfolded. I'm just so thankful we had the kids come back to the hospital to spend more time with Abigail.
In the video it's so obvious which pictures were taken when she was still strong and which came later when her body was working so hard to live. It's clear why we felt so confident in her life those first hours. What a gift, to feel so much hope.
My feeling of being incomplete isn't as strong lately. My heart aches for Abigail, but it also feels peace from the love that still surrounds me.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
March 13th, 2013
It was one year ago today that I talked to our doctor about the concerns regarding our baby.
I can go back to that moment so easily.
The tension of sitting and waiting for the call, while trying to interact and remain present with my friends. The apprehension as the phone rang, and walking over to the other side of the pool to have the conversation with Dr. Sears.
Hearing the list of concerns.
Being both overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions, while also feeling numb. Utter disbelief.
Sobbing so hard that she had to sit and wait for me to catch my breath.
The rest of the night I was in shock. Knowing our life had just shifted, but not knowing what the journey would look like.
Just thinking back to one year ago brings tears to my eyes. My chest is tight. I ache for the days before our reality became known. For the morning that we ate birthday cake, celebrating our first son and getting ready to go for our ultrasound to meet our youngest baby.
I had no way of knowing that although our news was devastating, the journey would hold beauty. Our story didn't revolve around the loss and sadness. There was so much love, so many precious memories to be made. Memories that I get to hold onto for all of my years.
The worst chapter that I ever want to experience in my life was also filled with so many blessings. Lessons about life, about love, about embracing the journey.
I'm so glad we got to meet our little Abigail. To hold her and love her. To cherish her while we grew her. To know that she touched so many and she will always be in our hearts.
We were so blessed to have time with our angel. But, oh what I would do for just a few more moments. To feel her in my arms, to touch her soft skin. To tell her how much I treasure her, how much I miss her.
I can go back to that moment so easily.
The tension of sitting and waiting for the call, while trying to interact and remain present with my friends. The apprehension as the phone rang, and walking over to the other side of the pool to have the conversation with Dr. Sears.
Hearing the list of concerns.
Being both overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions, while also feeling numb. Utter disbelief.
Sobbing so hard that she had to sit and wait for me to catch my breath.
The rest of the night I was in shock. Knowing our life had just shifted, but not knowing what the journey would look like.
Just thinking back to one year ago brings tears to my eyes. My chest is tight. I ache for the days before our reality became known. For the morning that we ate birthday cake, celebrating our first son and getting ready to go for our ultrasound to meet our youngest baby.
I had no way of knowing that although our news was devastating, the journey would hold beauty. Our story didn't revolve around the loss and sadness. There was so much love, so many precious memories to be made. Memories that I get to hold onto for all of my years.
The worst chapter that I ever want to experience in my life was also filled with so many blessings. Lessons about life, about love, about embracing the journey.
I'm so glad we got to meet our little Abigail. To hold her and love her. To cherish her while we grew her. To know that she touched so many and she will always be in our hearts.
We were so blessed to have time with our angel. But, oh what I would do for just a few more moments. To feel her in my arms, to touch her soft skin. To tell her how much I treasure her, how much I miss her.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
March 6th, 2013
We're getting close to the date when we started to get to know Abby. I remember that we had birthday cake in the morning for Nathan before we headed off to the ultrasound. Since Trever wasn't able to be here on his birthday we started bright and early the next morning.
I can't help thinking about the complexity of that day when I see those pictures.
Today I had two little Abigail moments. Both totally out of the blue.
First, as I was preparing dinner Nathan walked up and showed me a note he had just written. He had found the paper that my friend Katie made for us to write notes to Abigail and attach to a balloon at her celebration. My heart feels a strange mix of calm/appreciation/sadness/overwhelming love when one of the kids shows love to their little sister. I'm so thankful she is in their heart.
And then just a minute ago I was copying my name from Pintrest, which reads "JenKissel". As I pasted it, what I saw was "Abigail Ann Kissel, born July 25, 2012".
I tried it again, copying and pasting into a new browser window.
This one really has me feeling strange. I have no idea how it happened.
I guess I can just decide to let my heart feel warm with thoughts of my darling girl. Some things in life don't need an explanation.
I can't help thinking about the complexity of that day when I see those pictures.
Today I had two little Abigail moments. Both totally out of the blue.
First, as I was preparing dinner Nathan walked up and showed me a note he had just written. He had found the paper that my friend Katie made for us to write notes to Abigail and attach to a balloon at her celebration. My heart feels a strange mix of calm/appreciation/sadness/overwhelming love when one of the kids shows love to their little sister. I'm so thankful she is in their heart.
"Thank you Abby for coming to live with us for a day. Have fun up there! We love you!"
And then just a minute ago I was copying my name from Pintrest, which reads "JenKissel". As I pasted it, what I saw was "Abigail Ann Kissel, born July 25, 2012".
I tried it again, copying and pasting into a new browser window.
This one really has me feeling strange. I have no idea how it happened.
I guess I can just decide to let my heart feel warm with thoughts of my darling girl. Some things in life don't need an explanation.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
February 28th, 2013
The last week or so have been wonderful.
I've found my stride in being able to answer the question "how many children do you have?". That is a big one for me. And I don't always give the same answer. I've finally found peace with saying whatever works for the moment.
On Abigail's 7 month birthday I felt peace. I think of her constantly. I yearn for her. But I also feel a calm that I've been missing.
And then...
As I was sitting by the pool, moments from getting ready to get ready to fly home from Kona, my husband .... hmm, how do I even say it? He didn't drop a bomb, and he didn't crack my world open, I can't think of what to say. So here it is.
There is a chance that we might adopt a baby.
It's a small chance. I'm saying about 25% possibility.
We're feeling it out with the family. She isn't sure, we still need to process.
But it's there. This opportunity to embrace life. It feels fresh, exciting, scary. I've felt so light yesterday and today.
We're far from decided, I don't have "my hopes up" (although it would be fine if I did). I just feel alive.
If we decide to adopt this little baby it will throw our lives upside down. We've gotten rid of all baby stuff (that isn't being used). We're nearly out of baby mode... and it will be so strange to just wake up one day with a little baby in the house. So different than preparing for our other children.
There will be sleepless nights, stresses, feeling overwhelmed by balancing the needs of 4 children...
And there will be emotions that I can't grasp right now. Heartache renewed.
But there will be so much love, so many amazing moments. So much discovery. There will be living, embracing life, taking one step at a time.
I'm just so excited that I feel like we are in great balance right now. I feel like we're at peace, we're open to life and we are taking each step together... as friends, partners, lovers... parents.
Life is so amazing.
I've found my stride in being able to answer the question "how many children do you have?". That is a big one for me. And I don't always give the same answer. I've finally found peace with saying whatever works for the moment.
On Abigail's 7 month birthday I felt peace. I think of her constantly. I yearn for her. But I also feel a calm that I've been missing.
And then...
As I was sitting by the pool, moments from getting ready to get ready to fly home from Kona, my husband .... hmm, how do I even say it? He didn't drop a bomb, and he didn't crack my world open, I can't think of what to say. So here it is.
There is a chance that we might adopt a baby.
It's a small chance. I'm saying about 25% possibility.
We're feeling it out with the family. She isn't sure, we still need to process.
But it's there. This opportunity to embrace life. It feels fresh, exciting, scary. I've felt so light yesterday and today.
We're far from decided, I don't have "my hopes up" (although it would be fine if I did). I just feel alive.
If we decide to adopt this little baby it will throw our lives upside down. We've gotten rid of all baby stuff (that isn't being used). We're nearly out of baby mode... and it will be so strange to just wake up one day with a little baby in the house. So different than preparing for our other children.
There will be sleepless nights, stresses, feeling overwhelmed by balancing the needs of 4 children...
And there will be emotions that I can't grasp right now. Heartache renewed.
But there will be so much love, so many amazing moments. So much discovery. There will be living, embracing life, taking one step at a time.
I'm just so excited that I feel like we are in great balance right now. I feel like we're at peace, we're open to life and we are taking each step together... as friends, partners, lovers... parents.
Life is so amazing.
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