I can't sleep. A recent problem for me. I'm so tired all the time, just worn out from being pregnant and keeping up with the family. I spend a good part of my day just wishing I could lay down and take a nap. Then night hits and I'm wide awake. I think we eat dinner too early ... I think I need to start scheduling a snack before bedtime.
Tonight I've been laying in bed thinking about our delivery. I think I need to talk to Trever tomorrow about reconsidering where we are delivering. We toured Labor and Delivery as well as the Special Care Unit at St. Joe's today. It was fine, but it wasn't home. And although they care for so many babies with challenges, they've seen so few Trisomy 18 babies that I'm no longer convinced that location is that important.
Ever since I started learning about some of the differences in the hospitals I've been questioning our decision. Tonight as I tried to fall asleep I realized that we might need to change our minds. I'm starting to feel like we are causing ourselves (me) more anxiety than benefit. We'll be further from home, thus further from our kids while we're in the hospital. I know we can have them visit, but it will be more work. And the NICU in Tacoma doesn't have individual rooms. Although our kids will be able to go in and see Abby, it won't be as relaxed. And we can only have grandparents drop in to see her. They will try to accommodate us if she is still there after I am discharged, but that's not a sure thing. And even while we may have a place to stay, it won't be by her side.
I just wonder if I would rather deliver down here. I've had three babies at St. Pete's. It feels a bit like home to me. I'm familiar with it, it's close, and the NICU has individual rooms with a bed. I could have friends drop in and keep me company. And we could easily trade off going home to get good rest or see the kids (not that I think anyone will be able to get me to leave the hospital).
I think I need to make an appointment to go in and meet with whomever manages the NICU and learn more. I'm not positive what they can provide us, or if they would feel the need to transfer us somewhere else. The more I think about it, St. Joes makes sense if we are hoping for a lot of medical care, but it might not be necessary for what we are choosing.
It will make me sad to leave Dr. McMahon, but it made me sad to leave Dr. Bell. I'm one of those people that doesn't decide easily between options, especially when both options are appealing. Growing up my heart always hurt if I had to decide to spend time at home with one parent or go running an errand with the other parent. I never wanted to leave one alone, I never wanted to choose. I still struggle with that, I don't think most people would have any clue how this struggle plagues me, Trever is one of the only one's who sees my battle. I worry so much about making sure other people's needs are taken care of that I often forget to take the time to figure out what my needs are. I'm not saying I'm totally self sacrificing, and I'm not saying I don't have so many layers in this struggle. It's a self inflicted problem, I think a few more years of therapy might help. I can hear my old therapist saying "you are not responsible for how someone else feels". All of that is to say that I know both of my doctors will completely support my decision. I just need to take the time to figure out what that decision will be.
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