I remember the feeling at the end of the hangover. When I'm able to function again, but don't really want to. When I feel distracted, tired, detached. When I feel ready to climb into bed and read... not really ready to be responsible for myself much less anyone else.
That's what I'm feeling today. Clearly I didn't realize how much my emotions were waging war on me the last couple of days.
So today is recovery. And for the sake of my son I hope this recovery goes away before next Wednesday so I can be a mom and help him get ready for school. That's not too much to ask, is it?
Tomorrow is the start of a week long cleanse for me. My body needs it, my mind needs it. I've treated myself so badly during these last 5 weeks. It was good to let go, to eat the wrong foods, to just not care. But I don't stay in that place well. I want to feel good. So no more sugar. I'm excited for my body to recover (I'm allergic to sugar so it's really taken it's toll on me). No wine for a week... that one is a bit harder. I don't like to feel deprived or restricted. In the end I know I'll appreciate my discipline.
It's been so strange to be in this recovery mode without a baby. I don't feel good about myself (physically), but I don't have a baby to distract me. Just one more character building opportunity.
As I sit here and write Sara Bareilles is playing in the background. Because what I *need* is some melancholic music to set the tone. I feel like a melodramatic teenager.
But that is beside the point. I like the song, and I like feeling true to myself and my emotions.
So anyway... I have this mellow music playing and from the corner of my eye I can always this picture of Abigail.
My heart aches with the love I have for her. When I see her pictures I am always filled with thankfulness. I'm just so thankful that we had the opportunity to grow her, to love her, to hold her and to share her. It's easy to wonder if my life would be easier right now if I wasn't grieving... or at least I assume people wonder that for me. But I don't wonder that for myself. I wouldn't give up one step of this journey... other than wishing for another hour, another day, a week.
On that note, and with Christina Peri playing in the background, I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine. Gotta get it while I can!
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