One month

It's strange to write about a "one month" milestone again today.

One month ago we were waking up to face the day.  It was our first morning facing our loss, telling people that Abby had died.

One month ago around 9am we were waiting in the hallway as my parents had some quiet time with Abby.  Saying their goodbyes. Then we were all together with her, spending those last moments holding her and getting ourselves ready to leave the hospital.

Beth and Justin both met us at the hospital.  We felt surrounded by part of our team.  We were exhausted and numb.  I've never shed tears that were truly ripped out of my heart.

After we left the hospital we took her to the funeral home.  Even though she had been gone for hours it was still so painful to say another goodbye.  We had to let go of her precious body, the only part that we could hold and kiss.

Our bodies and minds were empty on the drive home. But then an amazing thing happened.  After we got home our kids came back to greet us.  The love from children is amazing.  Nathan and Natalie gave us hearts to remind us that they would help our hearts feel better, and that Abby would always live in our hearts.

They've been reminding us of that ever since.  She is in their hearts and ours.

It still hurts.  The ache is deep.  I look at her picture and miss her so badly.  I've never missed anything so deeply.

I find myself wanting to hold one of Natalie's babies just to have something in my arms.  But I can't let myself do that, I'm afraid I'd never put it down.  I'd end up being that strange lady with a baby doll in the bjorn.  Just goin' for a walk or shopping for groceries.  I could totally be that crazy lady.  It makes me laugh to think of it.

Laughter really is the best medicine.