October 6, 2012

I think it's good to be in touch with my emotions.  (I think a break from them from time to time is good also.) I think I need to be in touch with myself, really feeling my emotions (not just thinking about them) to create healing.

Even believing that, it doesn't make the pain and sadness any more comfortable.

It's not easy to get through the days right now.  I'm never sure how much energy I have to give to my responsibilities.  I wonder how this year will affect my kids.  I wonder how much they notice?

Some days I'm the "yes" mom because I just don't have the energy to care to say no.  Pancakes for breakfast and dinner? Sure.  Lunch also? Why not.  A new toy, a snack from every store? Sure.

Other days I try to stop myself from only saying "no".  Because why does it really matter if they watch another show? If we have pancakes instead of something healthy? If we read extra books and stay up later? Some days I feel like the first word out of my mouth is "no", just because I don't have the energy to allow life to happen around me.

They are such great kids, I'm so afraid that I forget to tell them often enough.  Some days I'm working so hard to take care of my responsibilities, that I forget what my only real job is.  To love my children.

To embrace them each day, to fill their hearts with the belief that I love them.  And to honor my love for Abby by letting myself work through the grief.

And not to be a side note but I also need to love myself and my husband.

Some days it all feels like a big job.

I was invited to a grief support group.  I had just been talking to Trever, saying it might be time to look into something.  I'm a huge supporter of counseling, I just haven't gotten around to taking the first step.  This isn't exactly counseling, but I'm hoping to learn something.  And I figure since this fell into my lap just as I was thinking I might need it, then I should listen.

That said, it's causing me a lot of anxiety. Each time I've thought about it, or talked about it I've had tears in my eyes.   I'm sure I'll feel better after going tomorrow.  Maybe the haze that I seem to be living in will be lifted.

I know these waves of sadness come and go.  When I'm being knocked down by a wave it's so hard to imagine being above water again.  I can't remember the last time I actually felt happy.

I am writing about my current emotional state as if it's something I begrudge.  It's not.  It feels real.  It feels authentic.  So I kind of find comfort in being here right now.

I like spending so much of my time thinking of Abby.  Feeling my love for her.  Feeling the sadness of missing her.

I also like to smile, and feel present in my daily life.  So I know I'll be happy to embrace feeling a bit detached at some point too.

And maybe some day I won't sway between deep grief and detachment.  Maybe someday I'll feel like I'm actually living in balance.