Two weeks from today I will be holding my darling girl. Two weeks. How has time gone so quickly?
It occurred to me today that the end of this pregnancy hasn't been as tough as I thought it would. I thought I would be anxious when I was out in public. I'm not. I've been able to find a balance between honesty and privacy. What a relief.
The good definitely outweighs the challenges. My emotional pain lies shallowly under the surface and always surprises me when rises up. The glimpses I get can be intense, my chest aches so deeply. It's amazing how emotional pain comes with physical discomfort. But I still welcome the pain... I welcome the ability to experience life. And especially to experience this journey with Abby.
My favorite moments are the kicks and wiggles I feel before I go to sleep. She's always there, I can depend on her to wiggle as I relax. It's a nice way to end days that are usually full of busyness and focusing on the other kids.
Natalie talked to me again today about wanting Abby's heart to work better. She wants a little sister so badly. I hope she gets some time with her little sis, to love on her and cuddle her. To create some memories that we can treasure during our nighttime talks. She wants to trade her little brother for her little sister... I know she doesn't understand what she's asking. I told her I'd just like to have all four of my lovelies with me.
I was reading my favorite blog (www.kellehampton.com) tonight. I know some people look at her and feel bad that she has a child with special needs. I love that she is showing the world what a blessing Nella is in her life. What I wouldn't do at this point for a little Nella. I know there would be so much work, and extra pain... but there would be so much joy as well.
I don't think I've ever written this down but I have thought often about the blessings of our journey with Abby. There are many. One that stands out to me is the chance to have a fourth child. Maybe God had reasons for me to not raise fourth child, maybe it was just a fluke of nature. I am so thankful that I was able to carry this child with love, that I was able to enjoy another pregnancy. I think it would have been so much more painful for me to have wanted one more child and then not been successful at conceiving another. As much as loosing Abby will bring sadness to my heart, having the chance to love her is so much more important to me.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
July 8th, 2012
We're just finishing up a crazy holiday week/weekend. I love all the distractions, especially when it's time with my family and friends.
We got news that we are scheduled for an induction on the 24th. I'm full of all sorts of emotions. Mostly feeling hesitant and sad that my last pregnancy will be over, nervous about what the next stage will be like, and super excited to finally hold our darling girl.
I can't believe in just over two weeks we will touch her sweet little face and hold her hands. I am so overwhelmed with the idea of actually having her in my arms. Whether she is alive or gone I know it will be such a beautiful and emotional experience.
I hear myself talking to people and I still sound so detached from the emotional side of this journey. People probably think I'm either "doing so great", or that I'm weird and callus. Neither of those observations is actually true. It's all just too overwhelming to focus on or acknowledge during most moments of my day.
Right now I just want to remember to smile every time I feel a wiggle or a kick. I want to slow down and appreciate this big belly with this tiny little girl. I want to do what I can to enjoy each day with my other kids before our life gets turned upside down by the arrival of their little sister, while trying to make time go as slowly as possible.
And if it's not too much to ask of myself... I'd like to start cooking healthy meals for the family like I used to do. I know it will be temporary, but I can at least hope to fill the next two weeks with great food. Our kids are going to be in shock when their Mommy is back someday... cooking a variety of nutritious meals instead of whatever I think they will happily eat. Meal times have been fairly sad around here (as far as meeting their nutritional needs and my normal desire to enjoy a meal)... although I will say that I made a delicious halibut recipe recently and Nathan said "Mommy, you are a really good cook, you use good ingredients." Bless his little heart.
We got news that we are scheduled for an induction on the 24th. I'm full of all sorts of emotions. Mostly feeling hesitant and sad that my last pregnancy will be over, nervous about what the next stage will be like, and super excited to finally hold our darling girl.
I can't believe in just over two weeks we will touch her sweet little face and hold her hands. I am so overwhelmed with the idea of actually having her in my arms. Whether she is alive or gone I know it will be such a beautiful and emotional experience.
I hear myself talking to people and I still sound so detached from the emotional side of this journey. People probably think I'm either "doing so great", or that I'm weird and callus. Neither of those observations is actually true. It's all just too overwhelming to focus on or acknowledge during most moments of my day.
Right now I just want to remember to smile every time I feel a wiggle or a kick. I want to slow down and appreciate this big belly with this tiny little girl. I want to do what I can to enjoy each day with my other kids before our life gets turned upside down by the arrival of their little sister, while trying to make time go as slowly as possible.
And if it's not too much to ask of myself... I'd like to start cooking healthy meals for the family like I used to do. I know it will be temporary, but I can at least hope to fill the next two weeks with great food. Our kids are going to be in shock when their Mommy is back someday... cooking a variety of nutritious meals instead of whatever I think they will happily eat. Meal times have been fairly sad around here (as far as meeting their nutritional needs and my normal desire to enjoy a meal)... although I will say that I made a delicious halibut recipe recently and Nathan said "Mommy, you are a really good cook, you use good ingredients." Bless his little heart.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
July 4th, 2012
What an amazing day!!! My dear friend, Jen, surprised me and flew up from Texas for a visit. I am such a blessed woman!!! She knows I've felt alone, that I desire to be surrounded by friends. What an amazing gesture!
We'll be enjoying our time together for the next two days. I'm so excited for every moment.
Little Abigirl is sending me so many special moments. She is already my Angel.
We'll be enjoying our time together for the next two days. I'm so excited for every moment.
Little Abigirl is sending me so many special moments. She is already my Angel.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
The kids
Natalie talks about Abby fairly often. She must think of her often.
She randomly gives Abby a hug and a kiss. She recently told an almost stranger that Abby wouldn't be with us for very long, that her heart doesn't work right. She will also talk about what she wants to do with Abby if/when Abby gets bigger.
Last night she asked me how big Abby is. I grabbed one of her dolls and said she was probably about that big. Then I showed her how she is curled up in my belly. Natalie asked if she would get to hold Abby. Then she held the doll and showed me the ways that she would hold her and cuddle her. It was so beautiful.
Today, Natalie watched a baby sleeping in her car seat as she got dressed after swim class. Then she leaned in close to my ear and said "I wish Abby's heart would work better." Heartbreak, total heartbreak. I do too. As much for myself as for Natalie. So she could have the sister she so desperately wants. (She told Trever recently that she wanted to be the brother and Nathan and Andrew could become girls so she could have sisters.)
Does anyone know of a baby girl that is in need of a loving home, a loving sister????
*******
I was shopping with Nathan recently. He picked up a dress (size 7) and told me it could be for Abby when she was as big as him. I told him I thought that would be wonderful. He wants a house full of siblings. And he has told me that Abby "doesn't count" because she won't be with us very long. He's not being mean, he shows his love for her all the time. He tapes her ultrasound pictures on the wall in his room, as well as around my office.
As he is the oldest, I am so curious how this will affect him. How my emotions will affect him. When he knows I am crying he always comes up and holds me, just patiently sits with his arms around me and his head leaning against me while he tells me how much he loves me. He is so sensitive and in tune with emotions.
*******
Andrew gets super jealous if we hold another baby. He's actually okay with us holding a baby as long as we are holding him too. He is also really interested in babies. Wants to sit by them, touch them, look at them. Today he walked around my friends house carrying a little baby. Just carrying her and pushing her in the stroller. It was so cute. I'm so curious to see how he reacts to little Abby when he meets her.
She randomly gives Abby a hug and a kiss. She recently told an almost stranger that Abby wouldn't be with us for very long, that her heart doesn't work right. She will also talk about what she wants to do with Abby if/when Abby gets bigger.
Last night she asked me how big Abby is. I grabbed one of her dolls and said she was probably about that big. Then I showed her how she is curled up in my belly. Natalie asked if she would get to hold Abby. Then she held the doll and showed me the ways that she would hold her and cuddle her. It was so beautiful.
Today, Natalie watched a baby sleeping in her car seat as she got dressed after swim class. Then she leaned in close to my ear and said "I wish Abby's heart would work better." Heartbreak, total heartbreak. I do too. As much for myself as for Natalie. So she could have the sister she so desperately wants. (She told Trever recently that she wanted to be the brother and Nathan and Andrew could become girls so she could have sisters.)
Does anyone know of a baby girl that is in need of a loving home, a loving sister????
*******
I was shopping with Nathan recently. He picked up a dress (size 7) and told me it could be for Abby when she was as big as him. I told him I thought that would be wonderful. He wants a house full of siblings. And he has told me that Abby "doesn't count" because she won't be with us very long. He's not being mean, he shows his love for her all the time. He tapes her ultrasound pictures on the wall in his room, as well as around my office.
As he is the oldest, I am so curious how this will affect him. How my emotions will affect him. When he knows I am crying he always comes up and holds me, just patiently sits with his arms around me and his head leaning against me while he tells me how much he loves me. He is so sensitive and in tune with emotions.
*******
Andrew gets super jealous if we hold another baby. He's actually okay with us holding a baby as long as we are holding him too. He is also really interested in babies. Wants to sit by them, touch them, look at them. Today he walked around my friends house carrying a little baby. Just carrying her and pushing her in the stroller. It was so cute. I'm so curious to see how he reacts to little Abby when he meets her.
Monday, July 2, 2012
July 2nd, 2012
AHHH... July already??? Can't believe we already here.
I know I've mentioned it before. It's so nice to stay a bit detached, to focus on enjoying the wonderful blessings that surround this pregnancy and completely devoid of emotion regarding the painful parts.
At times the emotions sneak up on me. Not so fun. I can feel my heart ache, my eyes start to water, I feel weak and exhausted. I let myself stay there for a few moments, to be honest I almost welcome the emotion. Then I quickly try to close the box and put my smile back on. It's not for anyone else's benefit, it's mostly for mine.
As Trever and I drove home from meeting with Dr. McMahon today I listened to him talk about Abby. It feels so different to hear the words come from someone else, so much more real. My heart ached, the tears started, I wanted to shut the door to the world and just curl up.
I had an epiphany (one that could not be considered a moment of genius, but important clarity none the less). Nothing that I do can or will prepare me for the emotions ahead. I can prepare for the events and the decisions, or at least I can try. But emotions are their own beast, you can't prepare for them and you really can't hide from them when the time comes. (I'm sure you can stuff them down, I've seen lots of people close to me do that, but I am convinced is not a winning solution. At least not for me.)
I've truly though that maybe since we've been preparing for this for so long that I would actually feel less pain. Don't judge. It's true. I thought that we would maybe get lucky, that the emotions have dripped into our lives for 4 months, so maybe some of them had been used up. I still think the emotions might be different because of the journey we've been on, but I also realize that I'm kidding myself to think I have any idea how this is going to feel. How this is going to affect me.
I know I've mentioned it before. It's so nice to stay a bit detached, to focus on enjoying the wonderful blessings that surround this pregnancy and completely devoid of emotion regarding the painful parts.
At times the emotions sneak up on me. Not so fun. I can feel my heart ache, my eyes start to water, I feel weak and exhausted. I let myself stay there for a few moments, to be honest I almost welcome the emotion. Then I quickly try to close the box and put my smile back on. It's not for anyone else's benefit, it's mostly for mine.
As Trever and I drove home from meeting with Dr. McMahon today I listened to him talk about Abby. It feels so different to hear the words come from someone else, so much more real. My heart ached, the tears started, I wanted to shut the door to the world and just curl up.
I had an epiphany (one that could not be considered a moment of genius, but important clarity none the less). Nothing that I do can or will prepare me for the emotions ahead. I can prepare for the events and the decisions, or at least I can try. But emotions are their own beast, you can't prepare for them and you really can't hide from them when the time comes. (I'm sure you can stuff them down, I've seen lots of people close to me do that, but I am convinced is not a winning solution. At least not for me.)
I've truly though that maybe since we've been preparing for this for so long that I would actually feel less pain. Don't judge. It's true. I thought that we would maybe get lucky, that the emotions have dripped into our lives for 4 months, so maybe some of them had been used up. I still think the emotions might be different because of the journey we've been on, but I also realize that I'm kidding myself to think I have any idea how this is going to feel. How this is going to affect me.
Doctors Appointment
We're still trying to decide what hospital to choose for welcoming Abby. We're leaning towards St Pete's, and we'll be meeting with some of the staff on Thursday to help make the decision. I'm hoping I walk away from that meeting with a peace of mind to help make the decision.
Today we met with Dr. McMahon and discussed a bit of our birth plan. She helped to clarify some of our thoughts and to reassure the decisions we've made. It's so nice that she is super supportive of us making this decision.
We also talked a bit more about Abby's heart. I think there may be an additional problem with her heart, or maybe it's just a symptom of her AV canal defect. Anyway, we learned that she will hopefully be born looking like a typical newborn. But it might not take very long for her color to change. She will start to loose her rosy complexion as her O2 levels drop. I'm thankful for the warning. I figured that would happen as she was closer to leaving us, but now I'm prepared that it may happen sooner. I was definitely not prepared for that. Even though we will most likely have her on oxygen, she will still always remain deficient.
Eventually, if this is the cause of her death, she will slowly become hypoxic (decreased oxygen level). It should be a peaceful process of her essentially going to sleep. That's not to say that there aren't unknown variables that could cause her death. But I find peace and hope in this being the process of her leaving us.
Today we met with Dr. McMahon and discussed a bit of our birth plan. She helped to clarify some of our thoughts and to reassure the decisions we've made. It's so nice that she is super supportive of us making this decision.
We also talked a bit more about Abby's heart. I think there may be an additional problem with her heart, or maybe it's just a symptom of her AV canal defect. Anyway, we learned that she will hopefully be born looking like a typical newborn. But it might not take very long for her color to change. She will start to loose her rosy complexion as her O2 levels drop. I'm thankful for the warning. I figured that would happen as she was closer to leaving us, but now I'm prepared that it may happen sooner. I was definitely not prepared for that. Even though we will most likely have her on oxygen, she will still always remain deficient.
Eventually, if this is the cause of her death, she will slowly become hypoxic (decreased oxygen level). It should be a peaceful process of her essentially going to sleep. That's not to say that there aren't unknown variables that could cause her death. But I find peace and hope in this being the process of her leaving us.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
The Quilt of Love
This project has been so wonderful. I can't believe how many people took the time to send Abigail a piece of love. Each moment that I worked on putting it together I was able to think of the person who sent the fabric I was working on. That's a lot of wonderful time spent while I ironed, then cut, then sewed, then ironed, then sewed, then ironed, then cut some more... repeat process. ;)
My favorite moments were receiving the fabric. It felt a bit like Christmas with the excitement of checking the mailbox and the anticipation of seeing what choice someone had made. The moment was made even more special when we received a note with a reason for the fabric choice, or kind words for Abby. I want to share those thoughts and some pictures, even though I'll be keeping the cards I want to have everything saved here as well.
I'll spare everyone (mostly myself as I look back at this in the future) the pain of the "during" pictures that Trever took. You don't want to see the trashy version of me as I stay in PJ's all day working on a project. I promise it doesn't sound nearly as bad as it actually is, much less as it looks in photos. My brother got a glimpse a few days ago... he didn't even hide his horror or his laughter. Love him for that, honestly, I do.
The "almost finished" quilt:
A close up of some of the pieces with the names embroidered:
*** When we dropped the quilt off with the person who will be quilting it, she had already seen a picture of it on Facebook. She must know someone who contributed... but we couldn't make the connection. Hopefully by the time we get it back she will know who it was.
Notes from friends: (There were others, but these are the ones that were brief, or focused on Abby. We loved hearing why a fabric was chosen!)
"Even the number of stars in the sky could never outdo the amount of love that my heart holds for you" - Unknown. From Jen Houk, with star fabric.
"while we try to teach our children all about LIFE, our children teach us what life is all about"
Little Abby is already teaching us what life and love are all about. Jaci Schiffern (a woman who has taught me so much about love for family and a beautiful marriage).
Much love and so much more. you are truly inspiring. Thank you for teaching me a better meaning to life. Love you and your beautiful family. Abby girl is so blessed. Melissa Haberman
"The mind determines what is possible. The heart surpasses it." Pilar Coolinta
Abigail - Can't wait for your arrival! The quilt will be beautiful, just like you! Ali Schiffern and Matt
"If I could I'd find a fairy Godmother with a magical wand and combat boots so that she could grant your wishes and kick the crap outta anything that tried to get in the way of your happiness"
To Abigirl - you are being welcomed into a wonderful and special family. If your time is short, know that it was and is impactful for many. We give these pieces of fabric to your quilt to bring love and warmth. For all the stories your mom and dad will read "once upon a time", and for all the personalities you will share "diva to princess" - The Mairs
"Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. Like a hummingbird, we aspire to hover and savor each moment as it passes, ebrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everyday. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation." - Unknown
From Heather Kapust
"In truth I agonized about my fabric selection for you. I actually bought 3, unable to decide - want it to be perfect. The piece I settled on seems like a timeless pattern. Much like I know your AbbyGirl will always be." Jennifer Schreck
Baby Abby - We love you so much, even though we haven't met you. You have touched our hearts in ways you cannot imagine. You are loved! Meghan (McDonald) Lewis
Emily and I just picked out an adorable pink "golden books" fabric from the online store.(Jack approved too)
Jenny Champoux
Hi Petey,
My favorite moments were receiving the fabric. It felt a bit like Christmas with the excitement of checking the mailbox and the anticipation of seeing what choice someone had made. The moment was made even more special when we received a note with a reason for the fabric choice, or kind words for Abby. I want to share those thoughts and some pictures, even though I'll be keeping the cards I want to have everything saved here as well.
I'll spare everyone (mostly myself as I look back at this in the future) the pain of the "during" pictures that Trever took. You don't want to see the trashy version of me as I stay in PJ's all day working on a project. I promise it doesn't sound nearly as bad as it actually is, much less as it looks in photos. My brother got a glimpse a few days ago... he didn't even hide his horror or his laughter. Love him for that, honestly, I do.
The "almost finished" quilt:
A close up of some of the pieces with the names embroidered:
*** When we dropped the quilt off with the person who will be quilting it, she had already seen a picture of it on Facebook. She must know someone who contributed... but we couldn't make the connection. Hopefully by the time we get it back she will know who it was.
Notes from friends: (There were others, but these are the ones that were brief, or focused on Abby. We loved hearing why a fabric was chosen!)
"Even the number of stars in the sky could never outdo the amount of love that my heart holds for you" - Unknown. From Jen Houk, with star fabric.
"while we try to teach our children all about LIFE, our children teach us what life is all about"
Little Abby is already teaching us what life and love are all about. Jaci Schiffern (a woman who has taught me so much about love for family and a beautiful marriage).
Much love and so much more. you are truly inspiring. Thank you for teaching me a better meaning to life. Love you and your beautiful family. Abby girl is so blessed. Melissa Haberman
"The mind determines what is possible. The heart surpasses it." Pilar Coolinta
Abigail - Can't wait for your arrival! The quilt will be beautiful, just like you! Ali Schiffern and Matt
"If I could I'd find a fairy Godmother with a magical wand and combat boots so that she could grant your wishes and kick the crap outta anything that tried to get in the way of your happiness"
To Abigirl - you are being welcomed into a wonderful and special family. If your time is short, know that it was and is impactful for many. We give these pieces of fabric to your quilt to bring love and warmth. For all the stories your mom and dad will read "once upon a time", and for all the personalities you will share "diva to princess" - The Mairs
"Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. Like a hummingbird, we aspire to hover and savor each moment as it passes, ebrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everyday. The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation." - Unknown
From Heather Kapust
"In truth I agonized about my fabric selection for you. I actually bought 3, unable to decide - want it to be perfect. The piece I settled on seems like a timeless pattern. Much like I know your AbbyGirl will always be." Jennifer Schreck
Baby Abby - We love you so much, even though we haven't met you. You have touched our hearts in ways you cannot imagine. You are loved! Meghan (McDonald) Lewis
Emily and I just picked out an adorable pink "golden books" fabric from the online store.(Jack approved too)
Jenny Champoux
Hi Petey,
I have sent some fabric your way with carnations on it " to symbolize my love, pure and deep" ;-).
I love you so much and I can't wait to see Abby.
Hugs, Jen Reiss
I sorted through many fabric designs and shades of pink to get the right thing. To me, this design/color says passion, determination, boldness, and joy. The things that you are, and that Abby represents.
Much love ;)
-brenda
So butterflies... "Butterfly Power" is based on the idea of subtle influence and suggests that when a butterfly flaps it's wings in S. America, there is a tornado in Texas. I've always been drawn to this idea and the perspective that something so small can create such significant impact. There are two reasons I think of butterflies when I think of Abigail. One, she has had such an influence on so many people and so many lives all before she weighs even 3 lbs! Like the little butterfly who flapped it's wings, the impact of her existence has made ripples within your family and in the lives of numerous others in BIG ways. The second reason I think of butterflies and subtle influence is the reason Abigail has Edwards Syndrome in the first place. One chromosomal difference in her system led to the T18, which led to the many things that have happened during the last 12 weeks and your life, along with your family and all the people who love you being forever changed. Lastly, I like butterflies because they are something we are blessed to see as we go about our days. My hope would be that when you see a butterfly, whether Abigail is here with us or otherwise, you'll be reminded of what a blessing she is and how she gifted you with a new perspective and had such significant subtle influence. I hope all that made sense and you, like me, will see the relevance of butterflies. :) Love, Stacy
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