Thursday, February 28, 2013

February 28th, 2013

The last week or so have been wonderful.

I've found my stride in being able to answer the question "how many children do you have?".  That is a big one for me.  And I don't always give the same answer.  I've finally found peace with saying whatever works for the moment.

On Abigail's 7 month birthday I felt peace.  I think of her constantly.  I yearn for her.  But I also feel a calm that I've been missing.

And then...
As I was sitting by the pool, moments from getting ready to get ready to fly home from Kona, my husband .... hmm, how do I even say it?  He didn't drop a bomb, and he didn't crack my world open, I can't think of what to say.  So here it is.

There is a chance that we might adopt a baby.

It's a small chance.  I'm saying about 25% possibility.

We're feeling it out with the family.  She isn't sure, we still need to process.

But it's there.  This opportunity to embrace life.  It feels fresh, exciting, scary.  I've felt so light yesterday and today.

We're far from decided, I don't have "my hopes up" (although it would be fine if I did).  I just feel alive.

If we decide to adopt this little baby it will throw our lives upside down.  We've gotten rid of all baby stuff (that isn't being used).  We're nearly out of baby mode... and it will be so strange to just wake up one day with a little baby in the house.  So different than preparing for our other children.

There will be sleepless nights, stresses, feeling overwhelmed by balancing the needs of 4 children...

And there will be emotions that I can't grasp right now.  Heartache renewed.

But there will be so much love, so many amazing moments.  So much discovery.  There will be living, embracing life, taking one step at a time.

I'm just so excited that I feel like we are in great balance right now.  I feel like we're at peace, we're open to life and we are taking each step together... as friends, partners, lovers... parents.

Life is so amazing.

Monday, February 18, 2013

February 18th, 2013

Last night I had an intensely vivid dream.  It has stayed with me all day.

I was with some friends from college.  I was saying something about the book Bloom, and Kelle Hampton. My friend said something like "whatever, those kids don't have value anyway".  My heart stopped, as I was literally leaping onto her I asked if she realized that Abigail had the same "thing" but with a different chromosome.  She (with a somewhat startled look on her face) said "yes".  Maybe there were more words, all I can remember is that I literally started attacking my friend, beating the shit out of her, pummeling her.

I was on fire with fury.  My friends pulled me off of her.  In the next moment I was in her kitchen, leaving her house.  And I wanted to destroy something.  I was filled with so much anger, near hate.

I did something to her refrigerator, something that showed restraint but still communicated my intense emotion.  (I don't know what I did, and I have no idea why I targeted that appliance?  Strange.  I remember her kitchen was very white, with a white refrigerator.)

After that I was riding a bike, trying to bring myself back into myself.  It made sense in the dream.  I was crying, and riding through neighborhoods that I had heard about.  I was getting to see places I had only known in my mind.  They felt so familiar.

I didn't wake up in the middle of the night tense, or crying.  I don't really remember if I woke quickly after the dream or not.

But my day pretty much sucked.  Trever didn't have a chance.  He couldn't do anything "right".  I just hid out in our room while he took the kids outside.  I crawled into bed, snuggled up to our AbbyBear and cried.

My heart ached so deeply.  My soul felt broken in pieces.

My life is so blessed, but I'm still so broken at times.  I cried for the realization that I had never been able to lay next to Abigail.  I never had those precious moments of staring at her during a late night feeding.  Of laying next to her and just watching her breath, touching her hands.  Feeling content, believing there were promised moments to share in our future.

I don't actually feel the pain of our loss on a regular basis.  When I do, it is crushing.  It is overwhelming.  It is nearly unbearable.

Later in the day, when I still couldn't tell him what was happening I just laid in bed.  I needed to talk with Trever but could not will myself to say the words.  To bring him into my world.  To acknowledge where I was in my world.

We finally connected.  He just rubbed my back as I cried.  Then I told him about the dream, about my sadness, about my pain.

I can't say I feel great.  But I do feel better.

Trever said it's probably normal for me to have anger built up.  I know he's right.  I know I have to live through each emotion, it's just not easy.

And I felt terrible today when I was on Facebook and saw my college friend make a post.  All I could think of was the anger I had unleashed on her.  Clearly my dreams are too vivid.

Have I mentioned how thankful I am that Trever is my partner in this craziness.  He doesn't try to fix me, encourage me, or change me.  He just listens and validates me.  He just loves me.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

February 9th, 2013

I haven't been able to figure out why work has felt so strange.  I've been able to say it's because I'm adjusting to going back to work, but that didn't really seem like the right answer.  Today I started to see what was happening.

As always, emotions ebb and flow.  I think lately I've been experiencing some low level depression.  I think it's okay, I'm not too worried.

Which leads to what I told a couple of my friends tonight.  "I would say that I'm fighting depression... except that I'm not really fighting it."  I just feel comfortable where I am.  I'm okay with it right now.

I don't think it's all due to Abigail.  But I realize I've been thinking of her a lot lately.  I've been evaluating our life, our loss and our future.  I've been feeling numb and detached.  I haven't been able to figure out why I feel so strange, why I can't seem to connect.  But now I get it, now I recognize this feeling.

Tonight I went out with girlfriends.  I really had no desire to go out.  But they are my oldest friends (by longevity, not age... well, maybe age too).  And I know they would understand if I bailed, but I really didn't want to miss out.  So I forced myself out the door, because I know that sometimes you just have to fight your desires (for a good glass of wine and a warm bath) and do what you know you should do.

Of course I had a good time.  I even noticed that there were moments where I truly felt present.  But there were lots of times where I felt like I was observing (even as I was interacting).  It was worth it to go out.  And it was great to leave early.  Normally I would feel torn. But I didn't, not in the least, tonight.  It was easy just to walk away.

I just feel sad.  And I kind of want to cozy up with my feelings by myself.

I wish I had more memories of Abigail.  I'm so glad I have so many memories of her snug in my belly.  I'm so glad we captured and embraced so many moments when she was in our arms.

I'm so sad that I don't have a darling little girl who is learning to sit up, who smiles and giggles.  I can't think those thoughts without always feeling thankful for what we did have.  For the time I was able to grow her in my belly, for the kicks and hiccups.  For the pure joy we felt during the early hours with Abigail.  For the many visitors that shared in our joy.  For the visitors (family and friends) who helped us embrace her when we knew she wouldn't live much longer.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Celebrate children

Trever and I talked last year about celebrating Abby's birthday each year.  Doing something to honor her place in our life.  To celebrate the wonder of life.

I loved our kid's celebration that we had after her services. 

So I've been talking with friends about doing another party this summer.  A festive get together to celebrate the wonderful children that bless our lives. 

I'm thankful to hold on to the lessons of appreciation that we learned from loving Abby.  That each day is so blessed, that we have the opportunity to cherish each day, each life.  That it is essential to be present in the moment because it will pass so quickly.

I am so excited for the party this summer!!  And so excited that I have a friend who will actually plan the details to make it extra special.  I have great visions for planning parties... but not so much in the follow through area.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

February 2nd, 2013

I've gone back to work.  I'm glad that I took time to be with family and to somewhat protect myself from the masses for a while.  I feel like I'm in a comfortable spot now, so it's good to be back.  Even if there are emotional challenges.

On my last trip there was a family of 6 that caught my eye in the airport.  The kids were similar in age to my kids, and the youngest was in an infant carrier.  It's impossible for me to see a family like that and not think about our loss.  To know that I thought I would have a growing baby, about 6 months old. 

On most of my flights I've had at least one baby.  I have to laugh at myself.  I just want to hold those babies, to just walk around and snuggle them (especially when the baby is a girl).  Can you imagine if I told the parents why I'm so drawn to their baby?  That my arms feel so empty. 

The strange thing is that (so far) I don't feel the same about babies that I know.  Well, other than sweet little Ava.  My arms can't get enough of her. 

Maybe I just haven't been around other babies as much.