Wednesday, December 26, 2012

December 26th, 2012

We went out for dinner with friends for my birthday tonight.  Something I've done with my best friends since high school... for 20 years.

Someone mentioned that I was pregnant last year.  I thought about it for a moment and then told them that no, that was the year before. Andrew is almost 2 now.

Then it hit me... I was pregnant last year.

To soften the awkwardness of the moment we started telling inappropriate stories associated with Abby.  Stories of other awkward moments.  It was funny.

Sometimes it's easy to be detached from the pain and find the humor, the lighter side of the story.  I almost think I'm getting a glimpse of what it will be like to talk about Abigail when I can just smile and feel gratitude, not sadness.

I wonder if that will ever fully happen???  Probably not.

It all just happened so fast.  What I would do to go back 5 months and hold her again.  5 months and 1 day.

I don't feel sad right now, just a longing for such a special moment.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

December 25th, 2012

What a wonderful Christmas.  There is nothing more beautiful than watching the joy of my children as they discover their presents and then enjoy opening them.  Part of the joy also comes from watching how excited they are for everyone else and their presents.

My favorite present?  A frame holding a picture of each of my four children.  What a wonderful husband I have.  I felt both sadness and deep peace being able to hold a frame that acknowledged each of them.  My heart will probably always hold conflicting emotions.  But in the forefront I feel so blessed.

We talked with our friend from Dubai today, he always calls on Christmas.  He is Muslim.  I was so touched that he took the time to say kind words about Abby.  He told me some thoughts from his religion.  His sentiments reflected my thoughts, my religion.  It's nice to experience moments where you connect so closely with someone, when you are reminded that when we are striped clean of the BS we are all so similar.

I wonder what Heaven is like on Christmas.  Is it a celebration for what Christ gave to us, or is it a moment of quiet in remembrance of what he went through?

A quote I read recently: It's not happy people who are thankful, it's thankful people who are happy.

So true.

Friday, December 21, 2012

December 21th, 2012

The crazy overwhelmed feelings have passed.  They passed over a week ago.

It obviously wasn't the holidays.  Maybe it was the timing, just one year ago we were delighting in the news of a new pregnancy.

And now I'm settling into this new normal.  Becoming friends with this void in my life.  Knowing we have a lifetime to live together.

I was "ambushed" at church on Sunday.  As I watched these two teenage girls reading a story about Christmas for the pagent I hit a wall of sorrow.  Natalie will never stand up with her sister, I will never see my two girls grown up together.  I've known that for a long time, but sometimes I see it in new way.  It's amazing how raw the anguish can feel.

I'm at a place right now where I can be ambushed by emotion, but I can still walk through my days.  It's painful to be reminded of our loss, of the loss of so many desires.  At the same time, I can look at pictures of Abby and smile at the experience we had.

We were so blessed.  We are so blessed.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

December 15th, 2012

I can't remember if I wrote about Molly Bears yet.  I've been anticipating the arrival of our Molly Bear.  A new friend was so kind and choose to send one our way.  They are a weighted teddy bear for families with any form of infant loss.

Our bear arrived yesterday.  We were busy and getting ready to leave the house, so Trever asked that we not open the package.  So we waited until today when we had a quiet moment together.  Just holding the box was strange, if that can even be the right word.

I even weighed the box thinking there must be something else in there, it was so heavy.

So we opened the box today.  And we gathered our beautiful bear in our arms.  And we cried.  Tears streaming down each of our cheeks.  It was amazing to close our eyes and feel the weight.  To hold something that weighed exactly 4 lbs 5 ounces.  It's been so long since we've felt that weight.

Each time we pick her up we cradle her without thought to why.  Her weight is healing, I can feel her in my heart.

My favorite thing about our bear is that Trever and I relate so deeply with this experience.  The first time we each held her we thought of the exact same moment with Abigail.  That thought gave way to others.  We loved taking a moment to be connected to Abigail, to each other, to our memories.

And then our kids fell in love with her.  Nathan says we can call her our Abby Bear, for obvious reasons.  Natalie's eyes got so wide (my mom told her about the bear before I brought it to her), she asked if it was real. (A reminder of what it is like to be a 4 year old).  Even Andrew wants to carry her around and knows that she is something special. The kids "fight" to get a turn with her.  They all want to hold our darling Abby Bear.

She is so special.  But she is just a bear.  Not our darling girl.  Since nothing will bring Abby back into my arms, I will just close my eyes and hold this beautiful little bear and feel Abby in my heart.

Friday, December 7, 2012

December 7th, 2012

I wonder if it's "the holidays" that are making me feel a bit down.  Which by the way, would have been an understatement on Wednesday.  I can't count the number of times my eyes filled with tears, I walked through the day like a zombie.  I couldn't connect to the world around me.  It was a day for putting one foot in front of the other and sticking with a routine.

I've slowly been coming back to myself.  But I'm still a bit numb.

So back to my question.  Is it the holiday season?  And why is that?  My sister in law and I were talking about it, wondering about it.  Is it that we are using so much energy and emotion that we don't have the reserves left that we need?

Am I feeling this way because my subconscious (and now my conscious mind) realize that it was one year ago that we were excited about the beginning of another pregnancy?  It was right at the beginning of December that we finally started sharing the news.  We had considered waiting and sharing the news as a Christmas present... but we're really not good at waiting.

For whatever the reason it just reminds me that I am a Zebra hidden among horses.  I can look and act the same (most days), but I have stripes.  I'm just a little bit different.

I still love this quote:  "So this is my life.  And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

December 4th, 2012

It's strange to feel heavy emotions again.  I forget that this cloud of sadness is bound to reappear from time to time.  Usually without warning or reason.

I can feel the physical weight of my emotions, the heaviness on my eyes and shoulders.

I saw a commercial with a baby in a hospital blanket, my body instantly tried to turn away from the TV before my mind had even registered what was happening.

I was thinking that this grieving process isn't necessarily as difficult as people might think, at least not in the way they would think.  At the same time, it so much more difficult than I probably show.

All I want to do is lay in bed.  Just lay there.  Nothing else.  I could, but for some reason I won't.  I wonder when I wake up tomorrow if I will wish I had taken this day off.  Trever will be gone for a few days so this is my only chance.