April 19th, 2012

I don't know what brings on the sadness.  And I surely don't know how to make it go away.

Yesterday I was telling Trever about a blog post that I received from someone I know.  Scott is a pastor up in Seattle.  His post was about focusing on gratitude in life.  It resonated so deeply with me.  He wrote about the truth that I believe in my heart.  A truth that I think Trever and I both try to live by.  If we are able to focus on the blessings in our life then life stays in perspective.  The troubles don't go away, but they don't hold as much control over us.  He writes more thoughtfully than I do... here is the link to the post. (http://looktothenorth.wordpress.com/2012/04/18/gratitude-the-important-choice/)

This morning I read an article about how life is You v. You.  How we get to make choices, how we are responsible for making choices.  The article was business focused, but clearly applies to my daily life.

I thought I was doing so great.

Then the sadness crept in.  I'm not even sure when it started.  But all of the sudden I knew the only place I really wanted to be was in my bed.  Or maybe in a warm bath, lights low, with soothing music.  Someday I'm going to get better at putting my life (my responsibilities/appointments) on hold and just going with what I want to do.  It's a personality flaw... I'm just not good at that.

So I went along with my day.  I went to my massage (rough, I know).  I was almost able to just lay there quietly (the silence broken only by myself).

On the way to the massage I started thinking about a funeral for Abigail.  On so many levels that is just not right.  I shouldn't have to think about that.  Really I don't have to, but sometimes I do.

I have no idea how to plan a service.  How will I choose music?  Who will be there?  How do I communicate when/where the service is held?  What will I wear? (clearly insignificant... obviously my mind goes to the safe details).  I did think that it would be nice to have a basket of Dahlia bulbs to offer to anyone who wanted them.  I'm working through the metaphor still but I was thinking about how we plant bulbs and then wait patiently while they are nurtured.  In our family we usually have no idea what the bulbs will end up looking like once they bloom (Trever once planted "tulips"... in the spring we had tons of daffodils!).  We do what we can to nurture them and then wait patiently.  And the life of the bloom may be relatively short but we cherish it for what it is.  I see those flowers and find myself smiling, feeling the happiness that permeates from their blooms.  When they are gone I don't necessarily feel sadness because I can remember their beauty and I know I can look forward to seeing them again.  I'm sure there is a more concise way to word all of that.

I'm smiling right now... even in my sadness I am feeling blessed that the thought of planting bulbs in memory of Abigail crossed my mind.  I don't garden, I kill flowers quickly, I have NO interest or confidence in landscaping (evident if you've talked to me recently about the plans we need to clarify and complete this summer).  So I'm going to chalk it up to a quiet moment when I was able to hear an important message... a message about finding a piece of beauty in an otherwise messed up thought (funeral).  Not everyone would feel comfortable giving credit for this to God, and I don't know that I did at first.  But these are the ways in which I feel His presence, His strength.

When I feel sad I find myself withdrawing, staying a bit more quiet and protective of myself.  I know this is normal, and sometimes helpful.  But just writing this post has helped me to process my thoughts and feel a bit stronger.

I think it's so important that I remember to share my thoughts, when I am feeling strong and when I want to shut the world out.  I want to look back and read this and know as much of the story as possible.  I want my kids to know that life is about every emotion, about riding out the waves and making choices about what you want to focus on.  And sometimes it's absolutely okay to just be sad.  And sometimes it's okay to let yourself be happy at a time when sadness seems like the only appropriate emotion.

PS. When I came home from my massage Trever must have sensed my sadness.  Out of the blue he told me that if it made me feel any better he was feeling sad today too.  I wonder what it is that we're on the same page today???  I'm so thankful for my loving husband, and for playing the light-saber game with my kiddos.