April 22, 2012

Today was a wonderful day.  Yay!!  When I'm feeling brighter it is so much easier to register the lessons I'm receiving.
** I don't think there is a trigger for my mood turning sad.
** Therefore there is no way to guard against it.
** There is also not a full proof way to "snap out of it".
** Therefore I just have to ride it out.

That should be easy enough.  But it's not.  I'm clearly a control freak.  I want to know things, I want to know what to do, I want the power to adjust and find the bright side.  What I'm learning... sometime you just don't get what you want.  Hmm... probably could have found a much easier way to learn that lesson!!!  (Matter of fact I'm sure my parents said something VERY similar to me as a child).  Clearly I'm a slow learner.  And I'm certain I will have this epiphany again in the future.

What I'm also learning, again and again, is that the sadness will pass.  And I will enjoy my days.  I can't say I will ever get more comfortable feeling miserable, but I can always try to remind myself that it is temporary.  God does not say we will avoid heartache, but he does say we will not face it alone.  And I know that to be true.  I need to talk about things.  Anyone who knows me probably knows this to be true.  When I'm alone I'm thankful to ramble on to God.

And I'm so grateful when God brings someone to me for conversation.  This morning I called my friend to ask her husband a question.  After he finished answering my question we feel into conversation about Abigail.  He is a wonderful man, a wonderful husband.  I find it soothing when someone is able to talk comfortably with me about Abigail, to ask questions and share their support.  He was even encouraging me to drop down for a visit anytime I would like (they live in a beautiful area of California), adding that he would take the boys away so his wife and I could have time together.  Did I mention that he is a wonderful husband?  I think I'll try for a trip in a month or so, but I'll bring my son and hope that his boys stick around also.  Taking a few minutes to touch base with my friend after getting off the phone with her husband was an added bonus.  I think I'm sentimental... I find it heartwarming to know that my friend is married to someone who is so welcoming and comfortable.

Nathan, Natalie and I also went to church this morning.  We are really enjoying the new church we've been attending.  Pastor Ryan is easy to listen to and their is a strong community feel.  Trever and I both feel so blessed to have made the decision to give Cornerstone a try.  Although we haven't told many people about Abigail I already know we will find a good support system in this congregation.

I had a couple trial runs today just acknowledging that we are expecting #4 but not clarifying her condition.  It was a bit strange but overall it was fine.  I was glad I was able to bite my tongue... as I'm usually someone more likely to spill my thoughts.  I'm glad I gave myself (and them) a chance to be "normal" with this pregnancy.  To focus on the positive of simply being pregnant instead of the uncertain future of our daughter.

Later in the day I met up with one of my husbands best friends.  I know he's probably a bit jealous.  We had such a great time talking for a couple hours.  I know Trever values him, as he should.  To find a man who can talk so well about life and all that comes with it is valuable.  Trever is like me, we like to connect with people, we like to go beyond the surface.  Trever will do whatever he can for a friend, and it comforts me to know that he has friends who will do the same in return.  This friend doesn't have children and I think he has made it down to visit each of our kids at birth.  I think that says a lot about a man and his support of his friend.  I know he will be one of the first people to make effort to meet Abigail.

God has filled our lives with blessings.  I could never have imagined all the lessons we would gather from one itty bitty little girl.  I'm thankful we are having the chance to learn and grow because of her, I'm so grateful that we both wanted to give her whatever life is written for her, and I am hopeful we have the chance to share part of that life with her after her birth.