April 4th, 2012

End of week 2... this week went so much quicker than last week.  It feels like a ray of light.  I went on a 3 day trip for work, was able to spend very valuable time with some friends in each city... very cathartic.

I've also found my way of losing focus on the present (in a good way).  Reading is my thing.  I can loose myself in the book, keeping my mind silent.  My husband has dirt biking, I'm so thankful I picked up a book to find my avenue.  Sometimes you just need to escape.

As I spend these days feeling so much better I also realize that I almost fall into a state of denial.  Abby was kicking around in my belly while I lay next to my daughter.  I wanted to day dream about Natalie and her little sister.  About them snuggling and playing together.  About Abby wearing Natalie's old PJ's.  And although some of that may come true, it won't be in the way that I would like to imagine it.

I'm thankful today that those thoughts didn't created intense sadness, just a manageable longing.

We have one more week until we see the doctor again.  We'll have another ultrasound to see how Abigail is doing.  Every time I feel her I am so thankful for the sign of life.  I'm sure I'll be anxious as we head in for our visit.  It's been so long since we've gotten "good news".  I feel like I started growing REALLY fast, which makes up for lost time but leaves me worried that she is not swallowing the amniotic fluid.  I would usually (in past pregnancies) have worries like this (not this specifically) but I have always been able to tell myself that I'm just worrying... what are the odds that I could be right?  Now it's different.  Now my worries might all be true.

For now...
I am thankful for Abby's movements.
I'm thankful for time with my friends.
I'm SO thankful for the friends that reach out.
I'm thankful for my beautiful children, who seem to be at "perfect" stages in life, SO MUCH FUN.
I'm thankful for a loving and supportive husband.  My life would be incomplete without him.
I'm thankful for family and the support they offer (I would not have gone on such a great trip without them.)
I am thankful for the blessings that fill my life, for the health and the happiness that fills my body.
I am especially thankful for a relationship with my God that gives me strength and teaches me to find contentment, if not joy, in my circumstances.