I was just staring at Abigails picture. It's strange how long I can go through the days just knowing her picture is in front of me but not really looking at it.
And then when I start to look at her, I can't turn my eyes away. I want to touch her so badly, I think I stare at her in hopes that I can feel her through my eyes.
It's been 10 months. It's hard not to play the what if game. What would Abigail be like at 10 months? We'd be getting ready to take her picture with a sign for her age. Would she be pulling herself up, grabbing all her siblings toys? Drooling on her sister's babies. Natalie wants a sister so badly, would she have been more patient with her baby stages?
Would Abigail have been giggly and excited every time her siblings came around. Would she be sleeping through the night? (My kids have never slept through the night as early as I would have liked, but I treasured those cuddles in the darkness).
I wish I could transport myself back and relive that one amazing day. I wish I could feel her in my arms and run my finger along every inch of her body. To memorize every little thing. I wish I had gotten more sleep in the days we were waiting for her, so I could have been more alert, more connected to the time we were able to share with her.
It's hard not to let the regrets and disappointments become overwhelming. It's hard to just accept what was, and embrace the positive moments. To know that I did hold her, stare at her, love her with every ounce that I could.