Monday, June 17, 2013

June 17th, 2013

Abigail's birthday is getting closer.  I feel myself getting anxious.

We're planning to spread her ashes on her birthday.  I just know it's going to be a big mix of emotions.

It will be so unsettling to hold that little bit of her, to revisit the intensity from a year ago.  Not that I don't revisit our experience often, but this will be different.

I can't believe it's almost been a year.  I can't believe it's really over, that we met Abby and she left us.

I still ache for the chance to meet her again, to hold her, kiss her and stare at her.  I still ache for the hope of another child.  Not a hope for another child, but the hope we had at the start of our pregnancy with Abigail.

I can so clearly remember the day I realized we were probably pregnant.  And the moment we knew.  I "knew" she was a girl.  I had never felt a belief like that with my previous pregnancies.  I'm not sure what made me believe there was a baby girl growing in me, maybe it was just an unacknowledged desire.

And the moment we found out the baby really was a little girl.  Our little moment of joy after learning that the baby had Trisomy 18.  It exhausts me just remembering back to the intensity of those days.

I can't believe the journey we've had.  What I wouldn't do to go back.  To experience life when I thought I would have four babies in my house.  To go back and just feel Abigail moving around in me.  The hope, the fear, the everything about it.  I think the anxiety of being around people, being in public, was the worst part.  Clearly not the *worst*, but really it kind of was.

A year ago I wanted time to go as slow as possible.  I wanted my little girl to stay safe in my belly.

Some things have stayed the same.  I'm still begging for time to go slowly. So I can embrace each of my kids, so I can try to connect with each of them daily, so I can not acknowledge that it's been a year since I've held my littlest baby girl.

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