Nathan is "star of the week" at school this week.
He drew his family in a house on his poster. He started with Andrew (who he pointed out is getting bigger, and thus represented that), then added his Daddy, and then Lily (the dog). I asked who else he was going to add, and if he was going to add Abby (yes, I'm shameless sometimes - I did add in the same tone of voice that he did not need to draw her). He said "yes, I'm going to put her up here". In the attic. ;) Clearly meant to be heaven. She is little and she has wings.
His teacher mentioned that she liked that he had added Abby. I did too, even if it was partly my idea.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
January 13th, 2013
Trever had a wonderful idea of lighting floating lanterns on Christmas as a way to spend time honoring Abigail. Unfortunately Christmas had a different idea and the weather wasn't conducive to his idea. :(
Natalie remembered the missed opportunity and noticed that it wasn't raining. So she asked if we could light the lantern for Abigail. She is such a sweet big sister, and has an impressive memory.
So we took ourselves out into the bitter-cold evening, lit the lantern and watched it gracefully float up into the clear sky. I've never done one before. It was so beautiful. The night was perfect. We watched the lantern for quite a while, it got as small as a star and then flickered as it went out (or got to heaven if you ask the kids).
Andrew was mesmerized by the flame. He kept talking about it, and even mentioned "fire" a lot the next day.
Natalie and Nathan thought it was beautiful and spent some time talking about Abby in heaven.
I asked each of them what their favorite memory of Abigail was:
Natalie: "I loved singing her a song"
Nathan: "I loved that she was here with us for some time"
My favorite memory of the night? Listening to my kids remember their sister, and being near Trever and the kids as we all spent time thinking of our little angel.
Natalie remembered the missed opportunity and noticed that it wasn't raining. So she asked if we could light the lantern for Abigail. She is such a sweet big sister, and has an impressive memory.
So we took ourselves out into the bitter-cold evening, lit the lantern and watched it gracefully float up into the clear sky. I've never done one before. It was so beautiful. The night was perfect. We watched the lantern for quite a while, it got as small as a star and then flickered as it went out (or got to heaven if you ask the kids).
Andrew was mesmerized by the flame. He kept talking about it, and even mentioned "fire" a lot the next day.
Natalie and Nathan thought it was beautiful and spent some time talking about Abby in heaven.
I asked each of them what their favorite memory of Abigail was:
Natalie: "I loved singing her a song"
Nathan: "I loved that she was here with us for some time"
My favorite memory of the night? Listening to my kids remember their sister, and being near Trever and the kids as we all spent time thinking of our little angel.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
January 2nd, 2012
I couldn't sleep last night. I'm fairly sure we're pregnant.
I spent some serious time praying last night. I was in a panic. It's hard to even process all the ways in which I feel anxiety. I'm scared to loose control over my body again, before I've even gotten it back. I'm afraid to be in pain during this pregnancy... to have it be hard on me again. I'm sad that I'll be out of work again (which I'll surely get over). That I still won't be able to give Natalie a sister (not that I am actually partial to the gender myself). I'm only really thinking about the small worries.
Because right under the surface of those worries lie the bigger ones. The fear of another problem. The fear of Trisomy 18 again, the fear of a different problem this time. The fear of all of the emotions that will go along with this pregnancy.
I remember being pregnant with Natalie. We had just had a miscarriage before we got pregnant with her. Her pregnancy was the first that I was acutely aware of the stress that could be associated with pregnancy. I got past it, but I was never as naive during a pregnancy again.
Then there was the scare at the beginning with Andrew.
Then there was Abby.
And now? What will this experience hold?
And are we even pregnant. I took a test today and it was negative. But that doesn't really sooth me since I'm still late.
But last night I prayed. And this morning I woke up and realized that everything will be okay. If we are pregnant I know it will be a blessing.
Our life is filled with blessings. We are rich with life, with all the experiences that we've walked through together.
If we are pregnant than we are going to rock it... we are going to ride the waves of stress, joy and confusion. And we are going to embrace each moment. Holding each other up when necessary and snuggling into the joy together also.
I'll be honest, a part of me wanted to feel relief when I took the test. And I'll probably feel relief if in fact we are not pregnant. But right now I'm trying to stay open to the idea. If we are pregnant I want to find the excitement as quickly as possible.
Holy shit. I have no idea what I'm in for. My chest is tight with fear. My life feels like a roller coaster. What were we thinking?????
Life's blessings usually come from the things that I did not know I needed...
UPDATE: We are not pregnant. I think we learned a lot from this situation. And I know we are both relieved to know we aren't pregnant. But the relief is slowing being replaced by my confusion regarding growing our family.
When I really stop to evaluate I feel confident that we are done growing our family. But it's so hard to believe that it my heart. I am so conflicted in my heart. Making a permanent decision is going to be so difficult.
I spent some serious time praying last night. I was in a panic. It's hard to even process all the ways in which I feel anxiety. I'm scared to loose control over my body again, before I've even gotten it back. I'm afraid to be in pain during this pregnancy... to have it be hard on me again. I'm sad that I'll be out of work again (which I'll surely get over). That I still won't be able to give Natalie a sister (not that I am actually partial to the gender myself). I'm only really thinking about the small worries.
Because right under the surface of those worries lie the bigger ones. The fear of another problem. The fear of Trisomy 18 again, the fear of a different problem this time. The fear of all of the emotions that will go along with this pregnancy.
I remember being pregnant with Natalie. We had just had a miscarriage before we got pregnant with her. Her pregnancy was the first that I was acutely aware of the stress that could be associated with pregnancy. I got past it, but I was never as naive during a pregnancy again.
Then there was the scare at the beginning with Andrew.
Then there was Abby.
And now? What will this experience hold?
And are we even pregnant. I took a test today and it was negative. But that doesn't really sooth me since I'm still late.
But last night I prayed. And this morning I woke up and realized that everything will be okay. If we are pregnant I know it will be a blessing.
Our life is filled with blessings. We are rich with life, with all the experiences that we've walked through together.
If we are pregnant than we are going to rock it... we are going to ride the waves of stress, joy and confusion. And we are going to embrace each moment. Holding each other up when necessary and snuggling into the joy together also.
I'll be honest, a part of me wanted to feel relief when I took the test. And I'll probably feel relief if in fact we are not pregnant. But right now I'm trying to stay open to the idea. If we are pregnant I want to find the excitement as quickly as possible.
Holy shit. I have no idea what I'm in for. My chest is tight with fear. My life feels like a roller coaster. What were we thinking?????
Life's blessings usually come from the things that I did not know I needed...
UPDATE: We are not pregnant. I think we learned a lot from this situation. And I know we are both relieved to know we aren't pregnant. But the relief is slowing being replaced by my confusion regarding growing our family.
When I really stop to evaluate I feel confident that we are done growing our family. But it's so hard to believe that it my heart. I am so conflicted in my heart. Making a permanent decision is going to be so difficult.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
December 26th, 2012
We went out for dinner with friends for my birthday tonight. Something I've done with my best friends since high school... for 20 years.
Someone mentioned that I was pregnant last year. I thought about it for a moment and then told them that no, that was the year before. Andrew is almost 2 now.
Then it hit me... I was pregnant last year.
To soften the awkwardness of the moment we started telling inappropriate stories associated with Abby. Stories of other awkward moments. It was funny.
Sometimes it's easy to be detached from the pain and find the humor, the lighter side of the story. I almost think I'm getting a glimpse of what it will be like to talk about Abigail when I can just smile and feel gratitude, not sadness.
I wonder if that will ever fully happen??? Probably not.
It all just happened so fast. What I would do to go back 5 months and hold her again. 5 months and 1 day.
I don't feel sad right now, just a longing for such a special moment.
Someone mentioned that I was pregnant last year. I thought about it for a moment and then told them that no, that was the year before. Andrew is almost 2 now.
Then it hit me... I was pregnant last year.
To soften the awkwardness of the moment we started telling inappropriate stories associated with Abby. Stories of other awkward moments. It was funny.
Sometimes it's easy to be detached from the pain and find the humor, the lighter side of the story. I almost think I'm getting a glimpse of what it will be like to talk about Abigail when I can just smile and feel gratitude, not sadness.
I wonder if that will ever fully happen??? Probably not.
It all just happened so fast. What I would do to go back 5 months and hold her again. 5 months and 1 day.
I don't feel sad right now, just a longing for such a special moment.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
December 25th, 2012
What a wonderful Christmas. There is nothing more beautiful than watching the joy of my children as they discover their presents and then enjoy opening them. Part of the joy also comes from watching how excited they are for everyone else and their presents.
My favorite present? A frame holding a picture of each of my four children. What a wonderful husband I have. I felt both sadness and deep peace being able to hold a frame that acknowledged each of them. My heart will probably always hold conflicting emotions. But in the forefront I feel so blessed.
We talked with our friend from Dubai today, he always calls on Christmas. He is Muslim. I was so touched that he took the time to say kind words about Abby. He told me some thoughts from his religion. His sentiments reflected my thoughts, my religion. It's nice to experience moments where you connect so closely with someone, when you are reminded that when we are striped clean of the BS we are all so similar.
I wonder what Heaven is like on Christmas. Is it a celebration for what Christ gave to us, or is it a moment of quiet in remembrance of what he went through?
A quote I read recently: It's not happy people who are thankful, it's thankful people who are happy.
So true.
My favorite present? A frame holding a picture of each of my four children. What a wonderful husband I have. I felt both sadness and deep peace being able to hold a frame that acknowledged each of them. My heart will probably always hold conflicting emotions. But in the forefront I feel so blessed.
We talked with our friend from Dubai today, he always calls on Christmas. He is Muslim. I was so touched that he took the time to say kind words about Abby. He told me some thoughts from his religion. His sentiments reflected my thoughts, my religion. It's nice to experience moments where you connect so closely with someone, when you are reminded that when we are striped clean of the BS we are all so similar.
I wonder what Heaven is like on Christmas. Is it a celebration for what Christ gave to us, or is it a moment of quiet in remembrance of what he went through?
A quote I read recently: It's not happy people who are thankful, it's thankful people who are happy.
So true.
Friday, December 21, 2012
December 21th, 2012
The crazy overwhelmed feelings have passed. They passed over a week ago.
It obviously wasn't the holidays. Maybe it was the timing, just one year ago we were delighting in the news of a new pregnancy.
And now I'm settling into this new normal. Becoming friends with this void in my life. Knowing we have a lifetime to live together.
I was "ambushed" at church on Sunday. As I watched these two teenage girls reading a story about Christmas for the pagent I hit a wall of sorrow. Natalie will never stand up with her sister, I will never see my two girls grown up together. I've known that for a long time, but sometimes I see it in new way. It's amazing how raw the anguish can feel.
I'm at a place right now where I can be ambushed by emotion, but I can still walk through my days. It's painful to be reminded of our loss, of the loss of so many desires. At the same time, I can look at pictures of Abby and smile at the experience we had.
We were so blessed. We are so blessed.
It obviously wasn't the holidays. Maybe it was the timing, just one year ago we were delighting in the news of a new pregnancy.
And now I'm settling into this new normal. Becoming friends with this void in my life. Knowing we have a lifetime to live together.
I was "ambushed" at church on Sunday. As I watched these two teenage girls reading a story about Christmas for the pagent I hit a wall of sorrow. Natalie will never stand up with her sister, I will never see my two girls grown up together. I've known that for a long time, but sometimes I see it in new way. It's amazing how raw the anguish can feel.
I'm at a place right now where I can be ambushed by emotion, but I can still walk through my days. It's painful to be reminded of our loss, of the loss of so many desires. At the same time, I can look at pictures of Abby and smile at the experience we had.
We were so blessed. We are so blessed.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
December 15th, 2012
I can't remember if I wrote about Molly Bears yet. I've been anticipating the arrival of our Molly Bear. A new friend was so kind and choose to send one our way. They are a weighted teddy bear for families with any form of infant loss.
Our bear arrived yesterday. We were busy and getting ready to leave the house, so Trever asked that we not open the package. So we waited until today when we had a quiet moment together. Just holding the box was strange, if that can even be the right word.
I even weighed the box thinking there must be something else in there, it was so heavy.
So we opened the box today. And we gathered our beautiful bear in our arms. And we cried. Tears streaming down each of our cheeks. It was amazing to close our eyes and feel the weight. To hold something that weighed exactly 4 lbs 5 ounces. It's been so long since we've felt that weight.
Each time we pick her up we cradle her without thought to why. Her weight is healing, I can feel her in my heart.
My favorite thing about our bear is that Trever and I relate so deeply with this experience. The first time we each held her we thought of the exact same moment with Abigail. That thought gave way to others. We loved taking a moment to be connected to Abigail, to each other, to our memories.
And then our kids fell in love with her. Nathan says we can call her our Abby Bear, for obvious reasons. Natalie's eyes got so wide (my mom told her about the bear before I brought it to her), she asked if it was real. (A reminder of what it is like to be a 4 year old). Even Andrew wants to carry her around and knows that she is something special. The kids "fight" to get a turn with her. They all want to hold our darling Abby Bear.
She is so special. But she is just a bear. Not our darling girl. Since nothing will bring Abby back into my arms, I will just close my eyes and hold this beautiful little bear and feel Abby in my heart.
Our bear arrived yesterday. We were busy and getting ready to leave the house, so Trever asked that we not open the package. So we waited until today when we had a quiet moment together. Just holding the box was strange, if that can even be the right word.
I even weighed the box thinking there must be something else in there, it was so heavy.
So we opened the box today. And we gathered our beautiful bear in our arms. And we cried. Tears streaming down each of our cheeks. It was amazing to close our eyes and feel the weight. To hold something that weighed exactly 4 lbs 5 ounces. It's been so long since we've felt that weight.
Each time we pick her up we cradle her without thought to why. Her weight is healing, I can feel her in my heart.
My favorite thing about our bear is that Trever and I relate so deeply with this experience. The first time we each held her we thought of the exact same moment with Abigail. That thought gave way to others. We loved taking a moment to be connected to Abigail, to each other, to our memories.
And then our kids fell in love with her. Nathan says we can call her our Abby Bear, for obvious reasons. Natalie's eyes got so wide (my mom told her about the bear before I brought it to her), she asked if it was real. (A reminder of what it is like to be a 4 year old). Even Andrew wants to carry her around and knows that she is something special. The kids "fight" to get a turn with her. They all want to hold our darling Abby Bear.
She is so special. But she is just a bear. Not our darling girl. Since nothing will bring Abby back into my arms, I will just close my eyes and hold this beautiful little bear and feel Abby in my heart.
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