Saturday, December 15, 2012

December 15th, 2012

I can't remember if I wrote about Molly Bears yet.  I've been anticipating the arrival of our Molly Bear.  A new friend was so kind and choose to send one our way.  They are a weighted teddy bear for families with any form of infant loss.

Our bear arrived yesterday.  We were busy and getting ready to leave the house, so Trever asked that we not open the package.  So we waited until today when we had a quiet moment together.  Just holding the box was strange, if that can even be the right word.

I even weighed the box thinking there must be something else in there, it was so heavy.

So we opened the box today.  And we gathered our beautiful bear in our arms.  And we cried.  Tears streaming down each of our cheeks.  It was amazing to close our eyes and feel the weight.  To hold something that weighed exactly 4 lbs 5 ounces.  It's been so long since we've felt that weight.

Each time we pick her up we cradle her without thought to why.  Her weight is healing, I can feel her in my heart.

My favorite thing about our bear is that Trever and I relate so deeply with this experience.  The first time we each held her we thought of the exact same moment with Abigail.  That thought gave way to others.  We loved taking a moment to be connected to Abigail, to each other, to our memories.

And then our kids fell in love with her.  Nathan says we can call her our Abby Bear, for obvious reasons.  Natalie's eyes got so wide (my mom told her about the bear before I brought it to her), she asked if it was real. (A reminder of what it is like to be a 4 year old).  Even Andrew wants to carry her around and knows that she is something special. The kids "fight" to get a turn with her.  They all want to hold our darling Abby Bear.

She is so special.  But she is just a bear.  Not our darling girl.  Since nothing will bring Abby back into my arms, I will just close my eyes and hold this beautiful little bear and feel Abby in my heart.

1 comment:

  1. I had been wanting to check in with you to see if you got your bear yet. I am so glad you did and that it is serving its purpose. :) Crazy how a fuzzy little bear with rice (or sand?) can bring a few moments of healing. I've been thinking about you and hoping this first Christmas would be gentle in its way of bringing both bitter and sweet. I am encouraged to revisit my memories when I read your blog. It becomes easy not to when no one else does. Thanks for the reminder! :) Blessings and Merry Christmas - even if it's a day late :)