July 10th, 2012

Two weeks from today I will be holding my darling girl.  Two weeks.  How has time gone so quickly?

It occurred to me today that the end of this pregnancy hasn't been as tough as I thought it would.  I thought I would be anxious when I was out in public.  I'm not.  I've been able to find a balance between honesty and privacy.  What a relief.

The good definitely outweighs the challenges.  My emotional pain lies shallowly under the surface and always surprises me when rises up.  The glimpses I get can be intense, my chest aches so deeply.  It's amazing how emotional pain comes with physical discomfort.  But I still welcome the pain... I welcome the ability to experience life.  And especially to experience this journey with Abby.

My favorite moments are the kicks and wiggles I feel before I go to sleep.  She's always there, I can depend on her to wiggle as I relax.  It's a nice way to end days that are usually full of busyness and focusing on the other kids.

Natalie talked to me again today about wanting Abby's heart to work better.  She wants a little sister so badly.  I hope she gets some time with her little sis, to love on her and cuddle her.  To create some memories that we can treasure during our nighttime talks.  She wants to trade her little brother for her little sister... I know she doesn't understand what she's asking.  I told her I'd just like to have all four of my lovelies with me.

I was reading my favorite blog (www.kellehampton.com) tonight.  I know some people look at her and feel bad that she has a child with special needs.  I love that she is showing the world what a blessing Nella is in her life.  What I wouldn't do at this point for a little Nella.  I know there would be so much work, and extra pain... but there would be so much joy as well.

I don't think I've ever written this down but I have thought often about the blessings of our journey with Abby.  There are many.  One that stands out to me is the chance to have a fourth child.  Maybe God had reasons for me to not raise fourth child, maybe it was just a fluke of nature.  I am so thankful that I was able to carry this child with love, that I was able to enjoy another pregnancy.  I think it would have been so much more painful for me to have wanted one more child and then not been successful at conceiving another.  As much as loosing Abby will bring sadness to my heart, having the chance to love her is so much more important to me.