July 2nd, 2012

AHHH... July already???  Can't believe we already here.

I know I've mentioned it before.  It's so nice to stay a bit detached, to focus on enjoying the wonderful blessings that surround this pregnancy and completely devoid of emotion regarding the painful parts.

At times the emotions sneak up on me.  Not so fun.  I can feel my heart ache, my eyes start to water, I feel weak and exhausted.  I let myself stay there for a few moments, to be honest I almost welcome the emotion. Then I quickly try to close the box and put my smile back on.  It's not for anyone else's benefit, it's mostly for mine.

As Trever and I drove home from meeting with Dr. McMahon today I listened to him talk about Abby.  It feels so different to hear the words come from someone else, so much more real.  My heart ached, the tears started, I wanted to shut the door to the world and just curl up.

I had an epiphany (one that could not be considered a moment of genius, but important clarity none the less).  Nothing that I do can or will prepare me for the emotions ahead.  I can prepare for the events and the decisions, or at least I can try.  But emotions are their own beast, you can't prepare for them and you really can't hide from them when the time comes.  (I'm sure you can stuff them down, I've seen lots of people close to me do that, but I am convinced is not a winning solution.  At least not for me.)

I've truly though that maybe since we've been preparing for this for so long that I would actually feel less pain.  Don't judge.  It's true.  I thought that we would maybe get lucky, that the emotions have dripped into our lives for 4 months, so maybe some of them had been used up.  I still think the emotions might be different because of the journey we've been on, but I also realize that I'm kidding myself to think I have any idea how this is going to feel.  How this is going to affect me.