July 14th, 2012

I remember when this journey started I felt like we were on a roller coaster.  The roller coaster was more regarding the learning process and less the emotional side.  Well, things are full circle on some level.

Lately I'm back on the roller coaster but this one is emotional.  I wish I had sat down and wrote throughout the day yesterday.  Someone reading it may have thought I needed a psychiatric evaluation. I went between the emotions with the swiftness of flipping a switch.  The upside of that is that the sadness and depression can be quickly replaced with laughter.

Today I'm feeling a bit more steady.  Which is good, and a bit unexpected because Trever is gone for a couple of days and sometimes that just makes life less fun.  It helps that my mom took the big kids for a bit and I got to nap while Andrew was sleeping.

What I really want lately is to lay in my dark bedroom watching movies all afternoon.  But I'm a mom of three kids (that I actually enjoy spending time with) so that isn't going to happen.

And I'm thankful to be remembering, and trying to apply some learning I received years ago (Thanks to my time with Arbonne!).  I think it was Shad Helmsteader who talked about mental programming.  How we have to replace our mental dialog with something new.  To give a physical example... If one day I decide that I want to go to my parents house, but I don't want to take the path through the woods (like I always do) then I need to give myself a new path.  I can't just stand there saying that I don't want to go through the woods.  Instead I need to turn and walk down the driveway.

So... sometimes during the day my brain flashes a message "my baby is going to die".  It's a bit of a pity party.  Today I decided that what I want to be focused on is that "my baby is going to be born".  Much happier.  Yes, she will die.  We all will.  As that is inevitable there doesn't seem much point in making it my focus.  And the truth is, she is destined to be born, and that is super exciting.  Even if she is born into Heaven, she will be born.  I will touch her and kiss her and hold her.

So I'm working on my new mantra... "my baby is going to be born".  And that makes me smile.  Smiling is good.  Only 10 more days, possibly 9 until we head into the hospital.