July 29th, 2012

We headed up to Sequim yesterday to celebrate 10 years of a beautiful marriage with our friends.  It was nice to be surrounded by so much love, and a good dose of distraction.  The kids had a great time with all of their friends too.

By the end of the evening I had hit the limit of smiling.  I just wanted to sink into a couch and stare at a wall.  And my tummy was cramping, and my boobs are ready to explode. (TMI???).  And unfortunately I forgot my Vicodin.  My pity party had visitors... as I sat down (kind of thinking that I had snuck away) my friends all starting filling in the room around me.  It was nice to just sit there relaxing.  We didn't sit around talking about me, which was nice.  There had been plenty of conversation about our life, about plans for Abby's celebration.  I really appreciate that I can share my thoughts at any moment and my friends are there to listen and engage.

This morning I woke ready to go home.  On days when the depression hits a bit harder I just want to be home.  I don't mind visitors, but I don't really want to be out and around people.  Before we could get out of the house my sweet daughter came up to me and gently lifted both of my shirts and pulled my waist band down a bit to expose my tummy. I knew what she was doing, but I asked anyway.  "I'm gonna give Abb... I'm gonna give you a hug".  I was instantly in tears.  I'm crying even writing this right now.

Natalie is so used to giving Abby a hug, I wonder how many times she will start by instinct and then remember that Abby isn't in my belly anymore.  I am so fortunate that she loves her sister and still thinks about her, that she was already used to giving her love.  I'm so sad for her that her sister isn't here anymore.

The day after we came home from the hospital Natalie asked me why my belly was still big.  Then she told me that she wished she could sing to Abby again, that she wished she was still with us.  Me too sweet girl, me too.