Last night I had an intensely vivid dream. It has stayed with me all day.
I was with some friends from college. I was saying something about the book Bloom, and Kelle Hampton. My friend said something like "whatever, those kids don't have value anyway". My heart stopped, as I was literally leaping onto her I asked if she realized that Abigail had the same "thing" but with a different chromosome. She (with a somewhat startled look on her face) said "yes". Maybe there were more words, all I can remember is that I literally started attacking my friend, beating the shit out of her, pummeling her.
I was on fire with fury. My friends pulled me off of her. In the next moment I was in her kitchen, leaving her house. And I wanted to destroy something. I was filled with so much anger, near hate.
I did something to her refrigerator, something that showed restraint but still communicated my intense emotion. (I don't know what I did, and I have no idea why I targeted that appliance? Strange. I remember her kitchen was very white, with a white refrigerator.)
After that I was riding a bike, trying to bring myself back into myself. It made sense in the dream. I was crying, and riding through neighborhoods that I had heard about. I was getting to see places I had only known in my mind. They felt so familiar.
I didn't wake up in the middle of the night tense, or crying. I don't really remember if I woke quickly after the dream or not.
But my day pretty much sucked. Trever didn't have a chance. He couldn't do anything "right". I just hid out in our room while he took the kids outside. I crawled into bed, snuggled up to our AbbyBear and cried.
My heart ached so deeply. My soul felt broken in pieces.
My life is so blessed, but I'm still so broken at times. I cried for the realization that I had never been able to lay next to Abigail. I never had those precious moments of staring at her during a late night feeding. Of laying next to her and just watching her breath, touching her hands. Feeling content, believing there were promised moments to share in our future.
I don't actually feel the pain of our loss on a regular basis. When I do, it is crushing. It is overwhelming. It is nearly unbearable.
Later in the day, when I still couldn't tell him what was happening I just laid in bed. I needed to talk with Trever but could not will myself to say the words. To bring him into my world. To acknowledge where I was in my world.
We finally connected. He just rubbed my back as I cried. Then I told him about the dream, about my sadness, about my pain.
I can't say I feel great. But I do feel better.
Trever said it's probably normal for me to have anger built up. I know he's right. I know I have to live through each emotion, it's just not easy.
And I felt terrible today when I was on Facebook and saw my college friend make a post. All I could think of was the anger I had unleashed on her. Clearly my dreams are too vivid.
Have I mentioned how thankful I am that Trever is my partner in this craziness. He doesn't try to fix me, encourage me, or change me. He just listens and validates me. He just loves me.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
February 9th, 2013
I haven't been able to figure out why work has felt so strange. I've been able to say it's because I'm adjusting to going back to work, but that didn't really seem like the right answer. Today I started to see what was happening.
As always, emotions ebb and flow. I think lately I've been experiencing some low level depression. I think it's okay, I'm not too worried.
Which leads to what I told a couple of my friends tonight. "I would say that I'm fighting depression... except that I'm not really fighting it." I just feel comfortable where I am. I'm okay with it right now.
I don't think it's all due to Abigail. But I realize I've been thinking of her a lot lately. I've been evaluating our life, our loss and our future. I've been feeling numb and detached. I haven't been able to figure out why I feel so strange, why I can't seem to connect. But now I get it, now I recognize this feeling.
Tonight I went out with girlfriends. I really had no desire to go out. But they are my oldest friends (by longevity, not age... well, maybe age too). And I know they would understand if I bailed, but I really didn't want to miss out. So I forced myself out the door, because I know that sometimes you just have to fight your desires (for a good glass of wine and a warm bath) and do what you know you should do.
Of course I had a good time. I even noticed that there were moments where I truly felt present. But there were lots of times where I felt like I was observing (even as I was interacting). It was worth it to go out. And it was great to leave early. Normally I would feel torn. But I didn't, not in the least, tonight. It was easy just to walk away.
I just feel sad. And I kind of want to cozy up with my feelings by myself.
I wish I had more memories of Abigail. I'm so glad I have so many memories of her snug in my belly. I'm so glad we captured and embraced so many moments when she was in our arms.
I'm so sad that I don't have a darling little girl who is learning to sit up, who smiles and giggles. I can't think those thoughts without always feeling thankful for what we did have. For the time I was able to grow her in my belly, for the kicks and hiccups. For the pure joy we felt during the early hours with Abigail. For the many visitors that shared in our joy. For the visitors (family and friends) who helped us embrace her when we knew she wouldn't live much longer.
As always, emotions ebb and flow. I think lately I've been experiencing some low level depression. I think it's okay, I'm not too worried.
Which leads to what I told a couple of my friends tonight. "I would say that I'm fighting depression... except that I'm not really fighting it." I just feel comfortable where I am. I'm okay with it right now.
I don't think it's all due to Abigail. But I realize I've been thinking of her a lot lately. I've been evaluating our life, our loss and our future. I've been feeling numb and detached. I haven't been able to figure out why I feel so strange, why I can't seem to connect. But now I get it, now I recognize this feeling.
Tonight I went out with girlfriends. I really had no desire to go out. But they are my oldest friends (by longevity, not age... well, maybe age too). And I know they would understand if I bailed, but I really didn't want to miss out. So I forced myself out the door, because I know that sometimes you just have to fight your desires (for a good glass of wine and a warm bath) and do what you know you should do.
Of course I had a good time. I even noticed that there were moments where I truly felt present. But there were lots of times where I felt like I was observing (even as I was interacting). It was worth it to go out. And it was great to leave early. Normally I would feel torn. But I didn't, not in the least, tonight. It was easy just to walk away.
I just feel sad. And I kind of want to cozy up with my feelings by myself.
I wish I had more memories of Abigail. I'm so glad I have so many memories of her snug in my belly. I'm so glad we captured and embraced so many moments when she was in our arms.
I'm so sad that I don't have a darling little girl who is learning to sit up, who smiles and giggles. I can't think those thoughts without always feeling thankful for what we did have. For the time I was able to grow her in my belly, for the kicks and hiccups. For the pure joy we felt during the early hours with Abigail. For the many visitors that shared in our joy. For the visitors (family and friends) who helped us embrace her when we knew she wouldn't live much longer.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Celebrate children
Trever and I talked last year about celebrating Abby's birthday each year. Doing something to honor her place in our life. To celebrate the wonder of life.
I loved our kid's celebration that we had after her services.
So I've been talking with friends about doing another party this summer. A festive get together to celebrate the wonderful children that bless our lives.
I'm thankful to hold on to the lessons of appreciation that we learned from loving Abby. That each day is so blessed, that we have the opportunity to cherish each day, each life. That it is essential to be present in the moment because it will pass so quickly.
I am so excited for the party this summer!! And so excited that I have a friend who will actually plan the details to make it extra special. I have great visions for planning parties... but not so much in the follow through area.
I loved our kid's celebration that we had after her services.
So I've been talking with friends about doing another party this summer. A festive get together to celebrate the wonderful children that bless our lives.
I'm thankful to hold on to the lessons of appreciation that we learned from loving Abby. That each day is so blessed, that we have the opportunity to cherish each day, each life. That it is essential to be present in the moment because it will pass so quickly.
I am so excited for the party this summer!! And so excited that I have a friend who will actually plan the details to make it extra special. I have great visions for planning parties... but not so much in the follow through area.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
February 2nd, 2013
I've gone back to work. I'm glad that I took time to be with family and to somewhat protect myself from the masses for a while. I feel like I'm in a comfortable spot now, so it's good to be back. Even if there are emotional challenges.
On my last trip there was a family of 6 that caught my eye in the airport. The kids were similar in age to my kids, and the youngest was in an infant carrier. It's impossible for me to see a family like that and not think about our loss. To know that I thought I would have a growing baby, about 6 months old.
On most of my flights I've had at least one baby. I have to laugh at myself. I just want to hold those babies, to just walk around and snuggle them (especially when the baby is a girl). Can you imagine if I told the parents why I'm so drawn to their baby? That my arms feel so empty.
The strange thing is that (so far) I don't feel the same about babies that I know. Well, other than sweet little Ava. My arms can't get enough of her.
Maybe I just haven't been around other babies as much.
On my last trip there was a family of 6 that caught my eye in the airport. The kids were similar in age to my kids, and the youngest was in an infant carrier. It's impossible for me to see a family like that and not think about our loss. To know that I thought I would have a growing baby, about 6 months old.
On most of my flights I've had at least one baby. I have to laugh at myself. I just want to hold those babies, to just walk around and snuggle them (especially when the baby is a girl). Can you imagine if I told the parents why I'm so drawn to their baby? That my arms feel so empty.
The strange thing is that (so far) I don't feel the same about babies that I know. Well, other than sweet little Ava. My arms can't get enough of her.
Maybe I just haven't been around other babies as much.
Monday, January 14, 2013
January 14th, 2013
Nathan is "star of the week" at school this week.
He drew his family in a house on his poster. He started with Andrew (who he pointed out is getting bigger, and thus represented that), then added his Daddy, and then Lily (the dog). I asked who else he was going to add, and if he was going to add Abby (yes, I'm shameless sometimes - I did add in the same tone of voice that he did not need to draw her). He said "yes, I'm going to put her up here". In the attic. ;) Clearly meant to be heaven. She is little and she has wings.
His teacher mentioned that she liked that he had added Abby. I did too, even if it was partly my idea.
He drew his family in a house on his poster. He started with Andrew (who he pointed out is getting bigger, and thus represented that), then added his Daddy, and then Lily (the dog). I asked who else he was going to add, and if he was going to add Abby (yes, I'm shameless sometimes - I did add in the same tone of voice that he did not need to draw her). He said "yes, I'm going to put her up here". In the attic. ;) Clearly meant to be heaven. She is little and she has wings.
His teacher mentioned that she liked that he had added Abby. I did too, even if it was partly my idea.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
January 13th, 2013
Trever had a wonderful idea of lighting floating lanterns on Christmas as a way to spend time honoring Abigail. Unfortunately Christmas had a different idea and the weather wasn't conducive to his idea. :(
Natalie remembered the missed opportunity and noticed that it wasn't raining. So she asked if we could light the lantern for Abigail. She is such a sweet big sister, and has an impressive memory.
So we took ourselves out into the bitter-cold evening, lit the lantern and watched it gracefully float up into the clear sky. I've never done one before. It was so beautiful. The night was perfect. We watched the lantern for quite a while, it got as small as a star and then flickered as it went out (or got to heaven if you ask the kids).
Andrew was mesmerized by the flame. He kept talking about it, and even mentioned "fire" a lot the next day.
Natalie and Nathan thought it was beautiful and spent some time talking about Abby in heaven.
I asked each of them what their favorite memory of Abigail was:
Natalie: "I loved singing her a song"
Nathan: "I loved that she was here with us for some time"
My favorite memory of the night? Listening to my kids remember their sister, and being near Trever and the kids as we all spent time thinking of our little angel.
Natalie remembered the missed opportunity and noticed that it wasn't raining. So she asked if we could light the lantern for Abigail. She is such a sweet big sister, and has an impressive memory.
So we took ourselves out into the bitter-cold evening, lit the lantern and watched it gracefully float up into the clear sky. I've never done one before. It was so beautiful. The night was perfect. We watched the lantern for quite a while, it got as small as a star and then flickered as it went out (or got to heaven if you ask the kids).
Andrew was mesmerized by the flame. He kept talking about it, and even mentioned "fire" a lot the next day.
Natalie and Nathan thought it was beautiful and spent some time talking about Abby in heaven.
I asked each of them what their favorite memory of Abigail was:
Natalie: "I loved singing her a song"
Nathan: "I loved that she was here with us for some time"
My favorite memory of the night? Listening to my kids remember their sister, and being near Trever and the kids as we all spent time thinking of our little angel.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
January 2nd, 2012
I couldn't sleep last night. I'm fairly sure we're pregnant.
I spent some serious time praying last night. I was in a panic. It's hard to even process all the ways in which I feel anxiety. I'm scared to loose control over my body again, before I've even gotten it back. I'm afraid to be in pain during this pregnancy... to have it be hard on me again. I'm sad that I'll be out of work again (which I'll surely get over). That I still won't be able to give Natalie a sister (not that I am actually partial to the gender myself). I'm only really thinking about the small worries.
Because right under the surface of those worries lie the bigger ones. The fear of another problem. The fear of Trisomy 18 again, the fear of a different problem this time. The fear of all of the emotions that will go along with this pregnancy.
I remember being pregnant with Natalie. We had just had a miscarriage before we got pregnant with her. Her pregnancy was the first that I was acutely aware of the stress that could be associated with pregnancy. I got past it, but I was never as naive during a pregnancy again.
Then there was the scare at the beginning with Andrew.
Then there was Abby.
And now? What will this experience hold?
And are we even pregnant. I took a test today and it was negative. But that doesn't really sooth me since I'm still late.
But last night I prayed. And this morning I woke up and realized that everything will be okay. If we are pregnant I know it will be a blessing.
Our life is filled with blessings. We are rich with life, with all the experiences that we've walked through together.
If we are pregnant than we are going to rock it... we are going to ride the waves of stress, joy and confusion. And we are going to embrace each moment. Holding each other up when necessary and snuggling into the joy together also.
I'll be honest, a part of me wanted to feel relief when I took the test. And I'll probably feel relief if in fact we are not pregnant. But right now I'm trying to stay open to the idea. If we are pregnant I want to find the excitement as quickly as possible.
Holy shit. I have no idea what I'm in for. My chest is tight with fear. My life feels like a roller coaster. What were we thinking?????
Life's blessings usually come from the things that I did not know I needed...
UPDATE: We are not pregnant. I think we learned a lot from this situation. And I know we are both relieved to know we aren't pregnant. But the relief is slowing being replaced by my confusion regarding growing our family.
When I really stop to evaluate I feel confident that we are done growing our family. But it's so hard to believe that it my heart. I am so conflicted in my heart. Making a permanent decision is going to be so difficult.
I spent some serious time praying last night. I was in a panic. It's hard to even process all the ways in which I feel anxiety. I'm scared to loose control over my body again, before I've even gotten it back. I'm afraid to be in pain during this pregnancy... to have it be hard on me again. I'm sad that I'll be out of work again (which I'll surely get over). That I still won't be able to give Natalie a sister (not that I am actually partial to the gender myself). I'm only really thinking about the small worries.
Because right under the surface of those worries lie the bigger ones. The fear of another problem. The fear of Trisomy 18 again, the fear of a different problem this time. The fear of all of the emotions that will go along with this pregnancy.
I remember being pregnant with Natalie. We had just had a miscarriage before we got pregnant with her. Her pregnancy was the first that I was acutely aware of the stress that could be associated with pregnancy. I got past it, but I was never as naive during a pregnancy again.
Then there was the scare at the beginning with Andrew.
Then there was Abby.
And now? What will this experience hold?
And are we even pregnant. I took a test today and it was negative. But that doesn't really sooth me since I'm still late.
But last night I prayed. And this morning I woke up and realized that everything will be okay. If we are pregnant I know it will be a blessing.
Our life is filled with blessings. We are rich with life, with all the experiences that we've walked through together.
If we are pregnant than we are going to rock it... we are going to ride the waves of stress, joy and confusion. And we are going to embrace each moment. Holding each other up when necessary and snuggling into the joy together also.
I'll be honest, a part of me wanted to feel relief when I took the test. And I'll probably feel relief if in fact we are not pregnant. But right now I'm trying to stay open to the idea. If we are pregnant I want to find the excitement as quickly as possible.
Holy shit. I have no idea what I'm in for. My chest is tight with fear. My life feels like a roller coaster. What were we thinking?????
Life's blessings usually come from the things that I did not know I needed...
UPDATE: We are not pregnant. I think we learned a lot from this situation. And I know we are both relieved to know we aren't pregnant. But the relief is slowing being replaced by my confusion regarding growing our family.
When I really stop to evaluate I feel confident that we are done growing our family. But it's so hard to believe that it my heart. I am so conflicted in my heart. Making a permanent decision is going to be so difficult.
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