February 18th, 2013

Last night I had an intensely vivid dream.  It has stayed with me all day.

I was with some friends from college.  I was saying something about the book Bloom, and Kelle Hampton. My friend said something like "whatever, those kids don't have value anyway".  My heart stopped, as I was literally leaping onto her I asked if she realized that Abigail had the same "thing" but with a different chromosome.  She (with a somewhat startled look on her face) said "yes".  Maybe there were more words, all I can remember is that I literally started attacking my friend, beating the shit out of her, pummeling her.

I was on fire with fury.  My friends pulled me off of her.  In the next moment I was in her kitchen, leaving her house.  And I wanted to destroy something.  I was filled with so much anger, near hate.

I did something to her refrigerator, something that showed restraint but still communicated my intense emotion.  (I don't know what I did, and I have no idea why I targeted that appliance?  Strange.  I remember her kitchen was very white, with a white refrigerator.)

After that I was riding a bike, trying to bring myself back into myself.  It made sense in the dream.  I was crying, and riding through neighborhoods that I had heard about.  I was getting to see places I had only known in my mind.  They felt so familiar.

I didn't wake up in the middle of the night tense, or crying.  I don't really remember if I woke quickly after the dream or not.

But my day pretty much sucked.  Trever didn't have a chance.  He couldn't do anything "right".  I just hid out in our room while he took the kids outside.  I crawled into bed, snuggled up to our AbbyBear and cried.

My heart ached so deeply.  My soul felt broken in pieces.

My life is so blessed, but I'm still so broken at times.  I cried for the realization that I had never been able to lay next to Abigail.  I never had those precious moments of staring at her during a late night feeding.  Of laying next to her and just watching her breath, touching her hands.  Feeling content, believing there were promised moments to share in our future.

I don't actually feel the pain of our loss on a regular basis.  When I do, it is crushing.  It is overwhelming.  It is nearly unbearable.

Later in the day, when I still couldn't tell him what was happening I just laid in bed.  I needed to talk with Trever but could not will myself to say the words.  To bring him into my world.  To acknowledge where I was in my world.

We finally connected.  He just rubbed my back as I cried.  Then I told him about the dream, about my sadness, about my pain.

I can't say I feel great.  But I do feel better.

Trever said it's probably normal for me to have anger built up.  I know he's right.  I know I have to live through each emotion, it's just not easy.

And I felt terrible today when I was on Facebook and saw my college friend make a post.  All I could think of was the anger I had unleashed on her.  Clearly my dreams are too vivid.

Have I mentioned how thankful I am that Trever is my partner in this craziness.  He doesn't try to fix me, encourage me, or change me.  He just listens and validates me.  He just loves me.