I haven't been able to figure out why work has felt so strange. I've been able to say it's because I'm adjusting to going back to work, but that didn't really seem like the right answer. Today I started to see what was happening.
As always, emotions ebb and flow. I think lately I've been experiencing some low level depression. I think it's okay, I'm not too worried.
Which leads to what I told a couple of my friends tonight. "I would say that I'm fighting depression... except that I'm not really fighting it." I just feel comfortable where I am. I'm okay with it right now.
I don't think it's all due to Abigail. But I realize I've been thinking of her a lot lately. I've been evaluating our life, our loss and our future. I've been feeling numb and detached. I haven't been able to figure out why I feel so strange, why I can't seem to connect. But now I get it, now I recognize this feeling.
Tonight I went out with girlfriends. I really had no desire to go out. But they are my oldest friends (by longevity, not age... well, maybe age too). And I know they would understand if I bailed, but I really didn't want to miss out. So I forced myself out the door, because I know that sometimes you just have to fight your desires (for a good glass of wine and a warm bath) and do what you know you should do.
Of course I had a good time. I even noticed that there were moments where I truly felt present. But there were lots of times where I felt like I was observing (even as I was interacting). It was worth it to go out. And it was great to leave early. Normally I would feel torn. But I didn't, not in the least, tonight. It was easy just to walk away.
I just feel sad. And I kind of want to cozy up with my feelings by myself.
I wish I had more memories of Abigail. I'm so glad I have so many memories of her snug in my belly. I'm so glad we captured and embraced so many moments when she was in our arms.
I'm so sad that I don't have a darling little girl who is learning to sit up, who smiles and giggles. I can't think those thoughts without always feeling thankful for what we did have. For the time I was able to grow her in my belly, for the kicks and hiccups. For the pure joy we felt during the early hours with Abigail. For the many visitors that shared in our joy. For the visitors (family and friends) who helped us embrace her when we knew she wouldn't live much longer.