The last week or so have been wonderful.
I've found my stride in being able to answer the question "how many children do you have?". That is a big one for me. And I don't always give the same answer. I've finally found peace with saying whatever works for the moment.
On Abigail's 7 month birthday I felt peace. I think of her constantly. I yearn for her. But I also feel a calm that I've been missing.
As I was sitting by the pool, moments from getting ready to get ready to fly home from Kona, my husband .... hmm, how do I even say it? He didn't drop a bomb, and he didn't crack my world open, I can't think of what to say. So here it is.
There is a chance that we might adopt a baby.
It's a small chance. I'm saying about 25% possibility.
We're feeling it out with the family. She isn't sure, we still need to process.
But it's there. This opportunity to embrace life. It feels fresh, exciting, scary. I've felt so light yesterday and today.
We're far from decided, I don't have "my hopes up" (although it would be fine if I did). I just feel alive.
If we decide to adopt this little baby it will throw our lives upside down. We've gotten rid of all baby stuff (that isn't being used). We're nearly out of baby mode... and it will be so strange to just wake up one day with a little baby in the house. So different than preparing for our other children.
There will be sleepless nights, stresses, feeling overwhelmed by balancing the needs of 4 children...
And there will be emotions that I can't grasp right now. Heartache renewed.
But there will be so much love, so many amazing moments. So much discovery. There will be living, embracing life, taking one step at a time.
I'm just so excited that I feel like we are in great balance right now. I feel like we're at peace, we're open to life and we are taking each step together... as friends, partners, lovers... parents.
Life is so amazing.