Saturday, June 16, 2012

June 16th, 2012

You know that moment when someone is talking to you about how busy you will be with 4 kids?

Somehow I have a very easy way of making that moment awkward.  I don't mean to, but it just happens.

If I don't think I'll see the person in my daily life in the future then I can let the question slide by.  But when I know I'll see them around I feel like it's best just to let the news out.  I can't say it's easy on me, or even natural to me, and I know that I can't remember how it sounds to hear it for the first time.

"Actually she is our Angel Baby, she won't be with us for very long."  Cue silence, accompanied by a downward glance.

I just feel torn. I feel so badly for the person I'm talking to, for what I assume is a terribly uncomfortable moment.  At the same time, it feels better to me to embrace who Abigail is and what we anticipate from her life.  And I can't imagine it would be any less awkward/uncomfortable to have someone ask about our baby in September and possibly have to tell them that she died already.

I haven't come up with the "right" way.  I don' think there is a right way.  So I take that little moment, and I choose what I want.  And then I definitely acknowledge to the other person that I know it's strange to hear, and I apologize for the discomfort.  I try to realize what it sounds like for the first time, to realize that we are adjusted to this already.

Every time I say it out loud, that our baby isn't expected to stay with us for long, my gut tightens.  It's probably letting me know that I'm not really "adjusted to the news".  Especially when I hear someone else say the words out loud.  When I listened to Trever tell someone, I felt like I wanted to just sit down and close my eyes.  To wish once more that this wasn't our reality.

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