Tuesday, September 4, 2012

September 4th, 2012

Trever and I went to the doctor for my six week follow up.  Today is also the first day that we'll be going to Nathan's school and I'll be around all those people who last saw me pregnant.

I knew the school part would be difficult, I've actually asked Trever to not work any overtimes so he can be with me.

I didn't expect going to the doctor to be tough.  I figured we had seen him already so I would be okay.  I knew it would be strange, and probably a bit sad, but I was surprised by my emotion.

Of course there are women with babies at the OB.  For some reason I am more emotional around babies who are strangers to me than I am around babies from friends.  Sitting in the waiting room, looking over at the infant car seat nearby made me very sad.

I "should have a baby with me".  It's a mental pity party that I throw now and then.  It's funny that my mind doesn't default to "I wish I had a baby with me.".

As we walked towards our appointment they pulled the baby out of her seat.  That tipped the scale.  I felt so emotional.  I cried a bit after getting weighed, not because of the number on the scale but because it was my first moment alone.  Then I cried a bit more when our doctor came in.

I always try to put words to my feelings.  Someday I'm going to learn that feelings can't always be explained, and they don't need words for clarification.

It feels good to cry sometimes.  It feels good to acknowledge that I wish I had a baby, that I want to hold a baby, that I'm sad that Abby died.

I am so sad that she died.  I miss her, I miss being pregnant with her.  And I'm so sad that our time with her in this life was so short that I have trouble really feeling the memories of holding her.  As I place my hands on my belly it is easier for me to remember the emotions associated with a budding pregnancy than it is to remember the weight of her in my arms, or the softness of her skin.  I can describe it to myself, but I can't feel it.

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