Tuesday, September 18, 2012

September 18th, 2012

Sometimes I wonder if I should have been clever and named each of my posts instead of just dating them.  But I wasn't, and I'm not about to start now.  I don't think I would like the pressure of defining a post anyway.  Not in this situation.

But that is all beside the point.

Today I found our copy of the video we played at Abigails service.  I was SO excited.  Admittedly I have been just staying afloat in some areas of life (like organization).  The crazy part of the story is that the video was in a logical place.

Abby's video (for some reason I can't upload the video, I can only put the link in)

I'm so thankful we put this together. I love remembering her life when she was still in the womb, and I love seeing those moments when she was first born.  The celebration was amazing.

The pictures that capture the people who were able to come to the hospital to meet Abby bring me peace.  Remembering how "normal" life felt at the start of the day.  The hope we still had, the joy we had in sharing her with so many people.

Through the pictures I can also remember the moment when we knew the story was changing.  When we started hearing the hard news.  She was forgetting to breath.  The feeding tubes were unsuccessful.  And then when I watched her stop breathing for the first time.

It's not captured in the pictures but I will never forget the moment I knew she was gone.

And I can almost feel the complete and consuming pain I felt after I had adjusted to the truth that she was gone.  After we had run out of distractions and there was only room for the truth.  I just held her and let my entire being fall into the grief.  My heart has never felt pain so pure.  I'm so thankful I had the time and the safety to just embrace that moment and feel the pain so completely.

During the last (almost) two months it has been easy to focus on where we are now.

Watching this video was a wonderful way to remember more of the story.  To think about the anticipation: the joy and the fear of pregnancy.  And to feel the amazing love that we had for her, the gratefulness that she was born alive.

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