The truth is, I've been so busy today I nearly didn't realize what day it is. As I sit and think about "two months" I realize I've got some strong boundaries up right now. I'm not feeling much, and that probably isn't because there isn't much to feel.
I can feel myself pull back each time I try to think of Abby and feel the pain that is always just under the surface. I would say it isn't healthy, but I think it's okay. I know I will let myself feel again, I want to. I miss the ache of remembering Abby. Of actually feeling her place in my heart.
I was just cleaning out my inbox and came across this email from July 29th.
I'm writing a sermon for tomorrow on Colossians 2:1-6- "holding to Jesus even when things are uncertain"...and all I can think about is your daughter. I'm sorry your daughter has passed. I don't know why bad things happen or why some babies aren't healthy. I dont have much I can tell you tonight- other than I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your kids and for the conversations you are having with them now about where Abby is and why she couldn't stay. I'm sorry for your husband and that awful feeling to have as a dad that you couldn't protect your child. I'm sorry for your tears, and for your pain as your body prepares to nurture a life that is no longer present. It all is just terrible. But your daughter was beautiful. And what a gift to get a day with her. I'm sure it was the best and maybe worst day of your life. I hope you and your husband can cling together, and continue to trust God even when so much seems too difficult to trust. He can hold you together and pull you through this. Your joy and hope around this baby have been a strength and joy to many- myself included.
Blessings on your journey.
It's amazing how just saying "I don't know" and "I'm sorry" is so powerful. We have people in our life who say "I know, but you just need to....". Not helpful. Ever. But maybe it is for them. It's clearly not about us when we are given that encouragement.
Everyone means well. I'm just so thankful that we have people in our life that are able to really offer supportive words.