I remember when I went through our miscarriage, almost 5 1/2 years ago, a friend shared the different emotions I should probably expect to experience. Anger was on the list.
I thought, "what do I have to be angry about". Logically I understood the miscarriage. I learned that logic and emotions don't always work together.
It still shocked me when I found myself angry. It hit almost a month after the start of the miscarriage. What shocked me was that I found myself angry about the continued blood tests. Really angry. I wanted the process to be done, I wanted to at least recapture my physiological balance.
And I did, eventually.
Lately I find myself being angry at my body. That my body can't/won't do the things I yearn to do.
I'm frustrated that my clothes don't fit. That my tummy is so postpartum. Did I mention that my clothes don't fit. Seriously, I have two pairs of pants that fit... and one of them is leggings, so I don't know if that counts.
I think I might be able to live with those parts if I was able to feel phyiscally strong. But I still can't run. Each time I am so uncomfortable. I feel like I fell on my bicycle yesterday. (Like onto the bar of my bicycle... and I was riding a man's bike.)
So I walk. But it's boring. And what is almost worse... it's hard work for me right now. I feel like a couch potato! No fun. In all honestly I have been a bit of a couch potato for the last 6 months. So I probably deserve some of this.
But I want to run, I want to feel like I'm pushing myself. The two times I've decided to "work through the pain" I've ended up having trouble physically getting through my daily tasks for 3-4 days. It leaves me bitter. It's a vicious cycle.
A friend told me today that I need to give myself a break. I know she's right. I need to just love myself (even all of the extras of myself). It's only been 3 months. Wow, 3 months feels like a lifetime right now.
I also know that I am probably letting myself be distracted by my physical limitations. It's tangible.
So I will try to give myself a break, I'll work on that. For right now I'm still feeling angry at my slow recovery. Angry at my inability to control the situation.
But that's life, and I think I would be starting to "get it" by now. Clearly I'm a slow learner.