Tuesday, October 30, 2012

October 30th, 2012

I remember when I went through our miscarriage, almost 5 1/2 years ago, a friend shared the different emotions I should probably expect to experience.  Anger was on the list.

I thought, "what do I have to be angry about".  Logically I understood the miscarriage.  I learned that logic and emotions don't always work together.

It still shocked me when I found myself angry.  It hit almost a month after the start of the miscarriage.  What shocked me was that I found myself angry about the continued blood tests.  Really angry.  I wanted the process to be done, I wanted to at least recapture my physiological balance.

And I did, eventually.

Lately I find myself being angry at my body.  That my body can't/won't do the things I yearn to do.

I'm frustrated that my clothes don't fit.  That my tummy is so postpartum.  Did I mention that my clothes don't fit.  Seriously, I have two pairs of pants that fit... and one of them is leggings, so I don't know if that counts.

I think I might be able to live with those parts if I was able to feel phyiscally strong.  But I still can't run.  Each time I am so uncomfortable.  I feel like I fell on my bicycle yesterday.  (Like onto the bar of my bicycle... and I was riding a man's bike.)

So I walk.  But it's boring.  And what is almost worse... it's hard work for me right now.  I feel like a couch potato!  No fun.  In all honestly I have been a bit of a couch potato for the last 6 months.  So I probably deserve some of this.

But I want to run, I want to feel like I'm pushing myself.  The two times I've decided to "work through the pain" I've ended up having trouble physically getting through my daily tasks for 3-4 days.  It leaves me bitter. It's a vicious cycle.

A friend told me today that I need to give myself a break.  I know she's right.  I need to just love myself (even all of the extras of myself).  It's only been 3 months.  Wow, 3 months feels like a lifetime right now.

I also know that I am probably letting myself be distracted by my physical limitations.  It's tangible.

So I will try to give myself a break, I'll work on that.  For right now I'm still feeling angry at my slow recovery.  Angry at my inability to control the situation.

But that's life, and I think I would be starting to "get it" by now.  Clearly I'm a slow learner.

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