November 6, 2012

A couple months ago a woman, Tara, got in touch with me through this blog.  She had a baby who died about 4 years ago.  She helped to give me something to say when I am asked how many children I have.  Her comments have been supportive and caring.  We haven't met in person yet but I'm so thankful for Tara already.

Last week Tara and I talked on the phone for an hour.  I loved hearing her stories about her daughter, Kristen.  I loved being able to talk about Abigail.

Tara has given us a wonderful gift.  She is having a Molly Bear made for us.  A Molly Bear is a handmade bear, that is weighted to be the exact weight of Abigail.  There is a 12-14 month waiting list right now, but Tara was able to gift us one sooner due to her fundraising efforts.  We will hopefully receive our bear before Christmas.

Part of me knows it will be painful to hold the bear when she arrives.  I don't care.  I'm so eager to feel the bear in my arms, to close my eyes and just focus on Abigail.  I'm curious to remember what 4 pounds 5 ounces feels like.

My heart will probably break a little.

I know that some people will think I'm crazy for wanting this.  I'm sure there is someone who will worry for us or think this will not be healthy.  Trever continues to remind me not to worry about that... this journey is unique for each of us and we have to take care of each other, not worry about anyone else.

I think that is just because it's impossible to understand this grief if you haven't lived it.  Even those who have lived out the same scenario experience it differently.  Losing a baby is so confusing.  There is a huge absence in my life, but not a lot of memories to hold onto.  Abigail was part of our life for about 9 months, but only in our arms for less than two days.  I didn't get to hold her long enough to memorize her weight in my arms.  My arms feel so empty.

I still won't be able to feel Abby in my arms.  It will be a bear, not a baby.  But I will be able to close my eyes and remember that the heaviness in my heart is connected to a love that was 4 pounds 5 ounces.