Saturday, August 11, 2012

August 11th, 2012

What an amazing day.  I think some of the best words I heard were "That truly felt like a celebration of Abby's life"

There were moments during her service that I had tears, but mostly I just sat there trying to soak it all in.  Appreciating the time to focus on Abby, and feel surrounded by so much love.  I might have felt more sad without the company of my other kids.  With my arms wrapped around one of them it was more natural to feel content than sad.

Greeting so many friends in the foyer encouraged feelings of love and joy.  We definitely started the day with a positive glow surrounding us.  Even while my heart ached I felt joy.

The service was so nice.  Our Pastor, Rhyan Smith, had returned home the day before and was able to Officiate.  The songs, It Is Well With My Soul and You Are My Sunshine, were led by a few people from our church.  Our friend, Amy Evans, did a reading from Psalm 139.  Trever did a Eulogy (but he doesn't like that word so we called it "his talk"), it was beautiful and heart felt.  And we ended with a wonderful video that captured Abby's life and the love that surrounded her.

After the service we headed back to our house for a Celebration of Life, Kids Party.  My friend, Katie, planned every detail... which made it a wonderful party!!  The kids and the adults had a blast.  There were games for the kids, the trampoline, a coloring station, a bouncy house, and a candy bar... what more could kids want?  For the adults there were lots of other really great adults around (and the kids were super entertained).  The party was exactly what we needed and wanted.

The only down side to the day was that it felt a bit like a wedding... you know, when you really don't get to spend enough time with anyone in particular.  There were so many people who joined us in celebrating, and I have no idea who I talked to, but I can name so many people who I didn't get much chance to talk with.  I wish I could go back and slow time down so I could spend at least 15 minutes with each family.

That makes me think that I also wish I could go back and spend those 25 hours with Abby again, and maybe even a few more.  I wish I had slept during the day on Tuesday (when I was in labor) so I could have been more rested while she was with us.  I wish I had taken more time to just hold her and stare at her.  I know I spent time with her, and I know I held her and loved on her, but it all went so quick.  And I was so tired.  We were enjoying her so much, but I think I missed just focusing on her by myself.  Trever was talking about how special his time in the Special Care Nursery was.  It was just him and Abby.  I'm a little jealous, I didn't have time like that.  When I was with her in the SCN she was getting tests, or the feeding tube.

I know it's normal to have regrets, to want to go back.  So I can't be too hard on myself.  But those feelings are still there, that desire to relive the brief time we had together will probably never go away.

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