Wednesday, August 8, 2012

August 8th, 2012

There is a work party at our house today.  They are planting Abby's Garden.  I didn't realize that it was making sad until I drove away to get my kids, alone.  To be honest I've been more aware of an underlying sadness during the last few days.

When I showed up to the church to get the kids I saw someone I know.  As I told her that there was work being done on the garden the tears sprang up unexpected.  I'm so thankful that she was comfortable wrapping her arms around me and just letting me cry.

Abby's Garden is going to be so beautiful.  And it will grow and flourish over the years.  It will be such a precious reminder of my little angel... It's just that I am so aware that I wish she was the one growing and flourishing.  And as much as I love the way the landscaping looks, it makes me emotional/sad/angry because I don't want any of it, I want Abigail.

Someone showed up today and said "Wow, it's nice to have people show up and landscape for you".  I'm sure they have no idea how that sounded to me.  It made me feel angry, it makes me feel angry writing it right now.  I wish I could just feel grateful, that this generosity wasn't due to our loss.  That I didn't want to shut my eyes and make all of this go away, even to just be pregnant again.

Our friends didn't show up to do our landscaping.  They showed up to bring something beautiful into our life. To give us reminders of the love that continues to surround our family and our darling girl.  And for that I am so thankful.  I know I will adjust, and I will be able to sit outside and smile.  I hope I will soon be able to go outside and sit in Abby's Garden and enjoy my memories of her.  Enjoy memories of all of the special moments we had with Abigail and the moments we were able to share her with the wonderful people in our lives.

And I hope we are able to create new memories in the garden, memories that connect our family to Abigail in the future, not just the past.

1 comment:

  1. Jenni,
    Thank you so much for your note on my blog. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Your daughter was beautiful... What a little angel. I'm sorry your time with her was so short. I relate to every word of what you are going through, and think it's courageous to share all of this. I always find it quite cathartic to write, even when I'm too confused to make the words make sense to anyone else! ;) The garden is a lovely idea. I'm sure your family will enjoy it, but not as much as you would have enjoyed having your little girl there with you. Nonetheless, a great gift of remembrance in honor of her life.

    Please feel free to write if you ever just need to speak with someone who "gets it." I still can't wrap my head around losing my daughter, but I know I wouldn't trade her for any other baby. I can tell from your writing that you are a wonderful mom full of love. May God bless your family and bring you peace and healing.

    You and your family will be in my prayers tonight.
    With Love,
    Kate White