Natalie and I went to the hospital today to visit a new baby. She had fun figuring out that this was the same hospital where all of our kids were born. In true 4 year old form she asked about each of them individually and then confirmed that they were all born at this "doctor".
She was really excited to see the baby. And she brought 3 babies from home so she could compare their size to baby Ava. "Black Eyes" was much smaller, "Fly, Fly" was still too small, and "Lovie was almost as big as the baby. Natalie talked about remembering that she had brought a baby to the hospital when Abby was born, I had given her the idea to see if her baby doll would be the same size.
As everyone arrived at the hospital to wait for Abigails arrival Natalie realized she didn't have her baby. So Beth (the saint that she is) drove Natalie back home to get her. By the time Abigail got here the kids were sound asleep and none of us remembered to compare the sizes. Bummer.
It was nice to have a girls afternoon, and to watch Natalie be so tender with Ava.
She asked me if Ava was going to go to heaven. She asked me how I knew she wouldn't be going to heaven. She also mentioned that she wished that we had two girl babies.
Those questions used to make me sad for myself and for Natalie. But I guess I'm used to them now. And I just think it's a beautiful part of Natalie's life. She will continue to have a tenderness for girls, and a desire for a little sister. I'm sorry we won't be able to fill that void for her.
I love the pride that Natalie has when she remembers singing her song to Abigail. She says she was singing to Abby about how much she loved her, and how much she loves her mommy and daddy. She also asked me today what color Abby's eyes were. She wants to call her "Blue Eyed Girl".
I miss my little Angel. I'm so thankful that holding a newborn isn't devastating to me. I'm sure I'm stuffing the emotions away, but I'm okay with that in this circumstance. I want to just feel the joy of a newborn and focus on giving her love. I have the rest of the day to miss my little girl.