My first impossible task... am I really writing the obituary for Abby already? One week ago we were holding her in our arms, sharing her with friends, feeling so much hope. I really, truly thought she would come home with us.
I was prepared for the long feedings, for feeling exhausted trying to balance Abigail's needs with the needs of my other children, knowing my needs would have to wait.
And now all I keep hearing is that I need to take care of myself. I don't want to take care of myself. I want to take care of my little girl. I want her in my arms, I want her laying between Trever and I as we sleep.
We've never really co-slept. I really thought we would this time. I knew we wouldn't be able to let her out of our sight.
I know our grieving is so different because we don't have memories of her at home. It's kind of confusing to my brain, but a comfort to my heart. I manage my days easier because I have less visual reminders. Not that I wouldn't still beg to go back and have more time, to have her here (why do I always feel like I need to clarify/justify my thoughts????).
When I see pictures of Abby my heart breaks into pieces. To see her precious face, to see what she looked like at the different times of day and to know what her little body was doing during those times... it's overwhelming.
We get our pictures from our photographer tomorrow. It's going to be a very tough night for me. And we need to do so much so quickly with those photos. Maybe it will be good to make quick decisions, to absorb ourselves in the memories. Those early hours were so full of promise.
But that leaves me back to where I am today... still not knowing how to capture everything that she was, everything she taught me, all the blessings that surrounded Abigail as well as our family. What words can possibly describe her beautiful story?