Monday, August 20, 2012

August 20th, 2012

It's strange to recognize myself experiencing depression.  In general (lately) I have a small allowance for people before they drive me crazy/angry.  Luckily most people really aren't bothering me.  For the few that have really bothered me I've been lucky to embrace "if you don't have something nice to say...".  Even though I'm trying to stay silent the emotions and words eat at me and stay loud in my brain.

I've watched people I love hold onto anger and let it affect them - I don't want to do that.  I try to take deep breaths, but it doesn't always work.  What I really don't want is to be that person who always has an injustice to share with my friends.  I often times need to just talk it out - so that's hard.  Talking it out helps in the long run but it also gives the other person or situation strength and influence over me.  I want to be authentic and honest with friends about how I'm doing/feeling but I don't want to feel like a weight to them or myself.

I realize that the depression I'm feeling is super normal.  And think I am understanding that I have to just honor it and let it run it's course.  Sometimes that will mean I feel functional most days.  Other times it will mean I am distracted and enjoying myself while saving up the emotions for a different day.

I enjoyed the last couple of days a lot, and today I just want to be alone.  I'm easily angered, easily isolated, easily sad.  And I've lost my smile.  It's one of the first times I can remember shutting myself into a room without giving anyone an explanation.  I just let myself disappear.

Trever is so great.  He checked on me, listened to me, let me cry and tried to clarify if I needed him or my alne time.  I expect him to lose patients with me at some point, but he doesn't.  He just loves me for where I am.

The oddest part of my depression is that as I lay by myself I don't just think of Abigail.  My mind wanders, or stays very quiet but often it doesn't feel like my emotions are connected to her.  I don't know if that is the true or not.  Because right on the sidelines there are so many reminders of my beautiful angel.  My little girl that I long to hold again.

Seeing a pregnant mama at the park and wanting so badly to be near her.  Seeing babies across the room and wanting to hold them - but feeling the sadness swell in my heart without even moving closer to them.  (I can't wait to hold a baby again.  Even if it's heartbreaking, I just want to touch a baby so badly).  Seeing Abby's hand print when I didn't expect it, I wanted to go get it and hold it.  Tracing her fingers.  But I needed to be alone for that moment - and I wasn't - so it haunted me.

It's amazing how aware I am that at some moments I am safe to explore and share my feelings and other times I am safer to protect myself and essentially silence or stuff my emotions away.  I am so thankful that most of the people in my daily life make me feel safe.

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