Thursday, August 16, 2012

August 16th, 2012

I really should write more, I feel like I'm not capturing this experience as much anymore.  I want to say that there are so many highs and lows... but really I just feel like I'm living in the middle.  In a bit of a daze.

Today we're heading out of town for Trever's 20 year reunion.  We had really hoped that Abigail would be with us.  3 1/2 weeks didn't feel like a long span of time between her birth and this reunion.  Now it feels like it's been an eternity.

It'll be the first time I'm in the situation I've dreaded... "How many children do you have?", I'm sure I'll get "Oh, you have 3 kids?" since Nathan, Natalie and Andrew will be with us.  Abigail is such a huge part of my thoughts, my heart.  How do I leave her out?  I know I don't have to, but how do I really have that conversation with strangers.

I'm glad I'll only be going to the picnic, I don't know that I have the energy to be around strangers for two evenings.  That's a bit selfish, Trever will be with everyone the second night.  He'll still have to navigate the conversations, with people who are essentially strangers at this stage in life.

We had a funny discussion about whether or not to bring Abby's quilt.  We both wanted it with us, but the weather will be HOT so it's kind of not necessary.  We both thought the other person would think it could be left behind.  Tears welled up in my eyes, I just couldn't leave it behind.  We haven't been away from the quilt since we went into the hospital.  Trever sighed with relief when I finally said I couldn't leave it.  I'm just not ready yet, and neither is he.

1 comment:

  1. Hi
    My friend told me about your blog. I wish I could give you the biggest hug & sit & listen to your hearts, even when all your heart has to say can be said through tears. The end of this month will mark my daughter's 4th birthday and she too had T18. I still struggle what to say when people ask how many kids I have. Depending on the situation I 'll say "well, katelynn is 6, Ashley is 2, and our middle daughter would have been 4, but she passed away." But its also taken me 4 years to be comfortable to say that. I too wrote a blog during our journey. I wrote a post about wanting a "black bonnet " to tell people I was grieving. I ended up getting a memorial pin & a bracelet that I could wear when I needed something physical to feel her with me.
    I am so sorry you're going through this. I am thankful to read how your faith is sustaining you, but it doesn't take the hurt away. I had a friend just this week lose her baby girl 2 weeks before her due date, they think to T21 (downs) although it sounded much more like T18. But I encouraged her that it will always hurt, but it won't always be so painful. God has an amazing way of healing the spiritual inspite of the hurt and confusion in the physical.
    I will be praying for you. I know your road well. I will pray that you find your "new normal " and find ways to mention and include Abby in you conversations.