Luckily days of feeling good are part of this journey also.
Yesterday I went away with 6 wonderful women for a much enjoyed getaway. We had such a relaxing time, walking around Kirkland in the sun. Lounging for a late lunch (and some stranger picked up the tab?!?!?!?!). Talking for hours in the super nice room/suite. Then getting dolled up to go out dancing.
A few of weeks ago I tried to dance with my girlfriends. It wasn't happening, I couldn't even pretend to fake it. Quite honestly I wasn't sure last night would be any more successful. But it was. We hit a little dive bar, and after a bit I was able to pretend that I wanted to dance. Then I realized at times that it actually felt good to dance. I find that when I am doing really "fun" activities it's a bit more obvious to me that there is a void inside my chest. There was a lot of time spent on the dance floor feeling a bit disconnected, feeling like I was trying to go through the motions. But there was also time where I laughed, a very true laugh. A very healing laugh.
One of those moments was when Abigail got her first dance with a boy. Haha. This kid was hilarious. He was *shocked* that we were all married, more so that we were all MOMS. I'm guessing he just recently moved out of the house (but maybe he still lives at home?). His exact words were "I think I'm a little too immature for you guys". Yeah, probably so! He won our hearts, he was welcomed to dance with us for moments at a time (near us, around us... not sure exactly the right wording for that). Late in the evening, well after I thought I would be back at the hotel, he "backed it up" straight into my belly. At first it was a shock to me (if you've had babies you might relate to that moment when you didn't realize your belly stuck out that far, when you touch something you thought was still a safe distance away)... then I was a bit appalled. That was my darling baby he was impeding upon. Then it occurred to me, she'll never have this chance. To dance at a bar with her best friends, to push away the drunk boys who think they have a chance. So we laughed, and told him he was dancing with my baby girl. The look on his face was priceless as he reached out to feel my belly. Then he continued with his dance moves... and I let Abigail have her chance (it was all very innocent!!!). I gave her a few moments of boogieing to the music... then I reminded her she was much too young. The whole situation brought a very real smile to my face. It was fun to have her in the room with me, to let her dance, to be happy about the moment instead of focusing on the sad reality that this would probably be her only time letting loose that way.
The evening was a great reminder. It's important to let myself be happy, to let myself enjoy the moments. And sometimes that only happens when I force myself to give it a try. I'm so thankful that I have friends who love me for where I am, for who I am. They would have supported me going back to the room, they would have even gone with me if I had needed them to. They didn't stop having a good time on my account (some of them even joined me in struggling not to pee our pants while laughing crazily in the park). And I'm so thankful that I just couldn't handle being away from them, from missing out on the fun I knew they were going to have.
I'm so glad that my mind and heart were able to find some moments of joy. I'm so thankful for my supportive husband and family who always encourage my friendships. I'm so grateful to have friendships with such amazing women (I can't believe I've known each of them for well over 15 years... most of them for at least 20 years!). Life is just bursting with blessings, and I'm especially grateful to have days where I realize that.