Thursday, April 26, 2012

April 26th, 2012

I feel like I'm in a good place today.  Sunday was such a high, and then I seemed to be coming down step by step.  Yesterday I found myself feeling anxious.  I don't do well living in the anxious state, it's definitely not my comfort zone.  But I'm learning to accept it, and to allow myself to adjust my interactions as necessary.  As in, avoiding situations that add to my anxiety.

I'm thankful to find a seemingly steady place to be today.  I feel "normal".  Not on the way up and not on the way down.  I can live here, I can definitely function here.  It's funny to realize that this is a comfort for me, a place where I can smile while feeling the sadness inside.  This feels like me, the new me that I've had to adjust to.  But I have adjusted and that's a great thing to realize.

We got a little surprise today, two little surprises actually.  My dad brought two tiny kittens home for the kids.  They are about 3 weeks old.  There mom was killed where he works, he's afraid that he killed the mom.  My dad is an animal lover, he's really a lover of life and animals are so cherished to him.  At any time in his life this would cause guilt, but I think it's worse right now.  Everything is a bit sharper, we don't have as much of a buffer.

So "we" have these darling little kittens.  We've tried to nurse them but they aren't ready to acknowledge that their mommy is gone.  The vet said to keep trying, eventually when they realize she isn't coming back and they are hungry enough they will eat.  It's a sad thought.  I'm clearly an animal lover too, I really believe they have emotions.

We have to feed them by bottle every 3 hours, we have to make sure they stay warm, but not too warm.  We have to change their bedding.  I didn't expect an infant this soon, definitely not two of them!  But we're gonna role with the punches and do our best to keep these little kittens alive.  And hopefully they won't start to think they are inside kittens, because that is not what we're open to.

The kids are super excited, and even though Trever "does not want them" he admits they are very cute.  Life is full of the unexpected! :)

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