April 9th, 2012

I went out today.  I took the kids to the gym.  It feels good to get back to my normal routine.

However, at the gym I got to have a lengthy conversation with someone about all the "hope" there is for Abby. Generally I don't mind people wanting to express hope.  But this conversation was difficult for me.  She just wouldn't stop... every problem could be fixed, surgeries performed.  I just wanted to say thank you and walk away, but some how that didn't work out.

The thing is, I don't think I have much hope.  And it's confusing to try to decide if I want to hope.  It leaves me in limbo.  I do hope, it's just that I hope for a smaller miracle.  I don't want to think about all the surgeries that might be available. In all honesty there aren't many surgical options for a child with T18 anyway.  I don't want to risk her only days with us being spent in the NICU with Abby attached to tubes and unable to be held.  I don't want more roller coasters, learning what each procedure would mean and then working through the risks/benefits.

I don't want our lives focused on fixing what is wrong.  I want our lives focused on embracing what is right.

But am I being so selfish????  Should I want to fight for any chance that is given?  To hope that she can stay with us if we just do some surgeries?  Am I just afraid of what her life would look like, what our life would look like?  With a daughter that probably wouldn't learn to sit up or stand, let alone walk. A daughter who would most likely not know how to talk.  But what if she could do those things?

.....

After I left the gym I went to the park with the boys.  As we walked up to the park a sweet old man (in his late 70's or early 80's) said to me "At least you don't have 4, some people have 4 of them".  I just had to smile at him.  He had no way of knowing that we will have 4 children.  And I would have loved to have 4 children who could play at the park.