Tuesday, May 22, 2012


I was asked a month or so ago if we were bonding with Abby more quickly than our other children.  I did feel like that was the case.

We've only found out one other time what the gender of our baby was.  And we didn't name her until she was born.

This is the first time we've named a baby.  And knowing that her life will be different, shorter than the others, I quickly had a deeper compassion for her.  Every movement held a deeper (or just different?) meaning for me.

Recently I've realized that although I feel so strongly for Abby, I am also less bonded.  I have a deep tenderness for her, and an eagerness to meet her, but I don't have dreams/hopes/visions of her future.

I watch Andrew with an understanding that he will be my last toddler.  I may have a baby in the home, but I will most likely not have a toddler.  And although I've come to terms with that (I think), it's the part of this process that makes me the most sad.  That we won't watch her learning to walk or run.  That we won't get to be amazed at how quickly a baby turns into a little person with ideas and desires.

I love each of my children so much.  They are such a light in my life.  I'm sad that I don't have the same joyful anticipation for Abby.

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