Some days I just don't know what to write. There is a great reason for that... some days thoughts of Abigail having T18 and thus a short life expectancy doesn't play a big role in my day. It's not that thoughts of what that means don't cross my mind, it's just that I'm getting so used to it, so comfortable with the reality.
Not that I have any idea what that reality means.
I need to cross off some items from my planning list. I feel like I'm in college again, I have a big term paper due in a couple months. I know it's coming, I have only a slight idea what I want to research. I know it won't get any easier as the time draws near. But I just haven't started. Even though it weighs on my mind daily. Procrastination doesn't have an upside. It zaps me of energy and in the end the job still needs to get done.
I need to just put it on my calendar and get started.
So this week (maybe Thursday when Trever is home) I am going to call or visit some funeral homes. I want to know who we'll be calling when her life is over. I want to know that all I have to do is sign the line below the decisions we've already made.
And I need to at least get a rough outline of her funeral. There may be changes based on how long we are blessed to have her stay in our lives. That's okay. But I'd like to have an idea of what we want, where it will be, and who will help pull it all together. It shouldn't be that hard to just sit down and write out an outline, pick flowers (I wouldn't have even thought to have flowers there... maybe we'll do balloons, that seems a bit more common and happy for celebrating a child)., songs, scripture. I don't want a sermon, but I want to honor that Abigail is with the Lord, and that I am so thankful for the strength that He has given us to walk this path.
Clearly my life is not the "normal" that I used to know. To think that I these thoughts go along with me having a good day is crazy. But I guess that is what comes with time, with healing.
I'm so thankful that Abby is strong, that she is moving and kicking and reminding me that we are growing a little love child in our belly. Babies are such miracles.