I'm haunted by a question from Trever. Recently he asked me if I understood that Abigails life is as important as our other kids. Although she is so important to me and I cherish every bit of the life we've shared with her, I don't necessarily connect her to my other kids. I don't have long term dreams of her. In that way I'm not as connected to her. As I look at the pictures on my wall of my three kiddos last Christmas (just as we found out we were expecting another miracle) I don't see her sitting there with them.
It's hard not to question myself as a mom. If you've talked with me you've probably heard me say how blessed I am that Trever and I are naturally on the same page with most aspects of this pregnancy (with most aspects of life). But this is one area where I am so different than Trever. I plan, he experiences. I anticipate, he just takes it as it comes. I question, he accepts. I have so much to learn from him. I hope in the next couple months I will be able to let go a bit, stop protecting myself and give myself the freedom to hope. To hope for hours, days, weeks, months. To not wake each day wondering if this will be her last. To instead wake each day and smile because she is in my life. And I hope that we can do wonderful things with Abby, make memories with her.
As much as I want these next 8 weeks to go slowly, I know they won't. Life moves so fast. I'm scared and excited for the weeks to pass. I can't believe we are getting so close to the next stage of Abigail's life. We've know this diagnosis for just over 9 weeks, we have just under 9 weeks left. Crazy. Exciting.
As I dropped Nathan off at school this morning I thought about this pregnancy. At first the words in my mind were that I wouldn't change a thing. It took me a moment to realize that is a complete lie. I would love more than anything to have Abigail be as healthy and strong as my other children. But as that is not her story, I wouldn't change the experience we were given. I'm so thankful that we have walked this path. That we have been given the chance to stretch ourselves and our understanding of what a life is, what a life can be. I'm so thankful that I was given an opportunity to grow my mind, my heart and my faith.
There are two quotes that come to mind:
"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than what you are capable of living" Nelson Mandel
When I grow old, I hope 'tis never said...
"She traveled always where her pleasures led".
But rather may they say,
"Wherever she went, She found some happiness....and was content".
~Clara B. Salzman 1897-2004
Thank you my dear Abigail for giving me a chance to live within these philosophies.