I've been feeling like I was normal again lately. I guess if I read back over this blog I'd have a better idea of how long I've been feeling this way. Anyway... yesterday I started to realize that what I'm describing as normal is really just surviving. I feel a bit void, a bit detached not so much that I don't function well, but enough that I don't seem to feel much. I haven't felt much sadness, and although I think that was a nice reprieve for awhile it also distracted me from the fact that I haven't felt much happiness either.
I have a friend who took either anti-anxiety or anti-depression meds for awhile. I remember her saying that although it helped with the downside of her emotions it also took away her vibrant happy side. I can relate to that on a small scale right now.
What started as recognizing as a feeling of detachment turned into recognizing that I'm also a bit depressed. (shocker, I know). There are so many thoughts in my head lately, it's been hard to even think of capturing them here.
I think I've also missed my husband. He worked a lot last week and wasn't feeling well so we didn't get much time on the phone in the evenings. Then he came home and we went to a BBQ with some new friends before packing the kids up the next morning and heading to Seattle. While he was in Seattle he came down with the Flu. No fun for him. Last night he was feeling well enough to talk. It made me realize how much I missed him. I'm a quality time person (for anyone who knows/follows the 5 Love Languages). We haven't had much quality time lately. He's my best friend, last night was so wonderful.
He helped me to work through so many of my thoughts. He was able to use his male "fixing" powers, and also his oh-so-wonderful empathetic listening skills. From our talk I was able to realize that my current need to find control are stemming from my anxiety/depression. I have a drive to get some projects done (not necessarily the ones that I'm responsible for... convenient, I know). In the past I have felt an excitement at the end of a project. There is something so satisfying about completing a project, accomplishing a goal, and especially getting to utilize said project.
The truth that we discovered is that most of these projects aren't super important. And that accomplishing them would keep us from spending time together as a family. Trever would be working on all of his off days. We started out by creating a list of all of the unfinished projects around the house, since they weigh on Trever I wanted to support getting them done. But now just isn't the best time. Just giving ourselves the freedom to let go is great... but it's also (secretly) given me the clarity to figure out how we might do more than we think we can.
So today we woke feeling more energized to cross some things off of our list so I could relax a bit. I called a funeral home, Funeral Alternatives. They came recommended by two different people. I'm thankful I made the call. It was both easier and tougher than I had anticipated. The process will be simple, we have a few forms to fill out and I now know the order/timeline for the process. I found myself tearing up while stammering through my explanation of Abby. Really??? It was like I didn't know what to say, how to clarify what we are going through. That's what happens when I feel less detached. And talking to a funeral home was a reality check... this is really happening to us.
We've also figured out how to move forward with a quilt that we want to make for Abby. I knew I wanted to make her something, and Trever (completely on his own) came up with the idea of making her a Friendship Quilt. I'll be honest, it stresses me out a bit to open up a request to other people to contribute... and not for any of the reasons that people might assume. But my husband gives me strength and clarity when I start to get weird, so we're moving forward. And now I'm excited about it.
I've also found some areas to help plan her service. Some blueprints of sorts. I just want to have a brief outline of what we want, something we can work with when the time comes. If anyone has song/reading suggestions please feel free to comment or send them to me. It's super hard to plan a celebration for something that is ultimately so sad. We know we want a thankful/happy vibe. But I also can't pretend that "Celebrate" is the most appropriate theme song.
Trever also helped me to see the benefit in having a social time after the service. I was totally against the idea of a BBQ at our house as her service. But I do think that opening our home for anyone who wants to come by after the service will be nice. As Trever said it allows a time for people to debrief, and for us to hold memories of friends within the context of the day.