I went out in public today. It's not really the first time I've left my house. But it is the first time I went out by myself, to do something "normal". I decided to go to the gym. Seems mundane enough. As I got closer to town I felt anxiety tighten my chest. Would I be able to keep my emotions in check? Would it show on my face how lonely I am, how my eyes seem glazed over and I seem to wander around?
As I walked into the gym I saw a friend. A friend that I don't know well, but one who feels comfortable. We talked, about nothing special (well, actually about our book for book club... which is much more XXX than anyone anticipated... should be good for a distraction). As she gave me a genuine hug, completely lacking in pity or discomfort, I felt myself get braver.
Then I got on a treadmill near another acquaintance. She lost her daughter unexpectedly in 2010. She knows this game, she isn't afraid of it. She walked right up and hugged me, again a genuine hug. Suddenly I spilled my thoughts, was honest about my anxiety. And she related, comforted, supported and validated me. At that moment I knew that I could do this, and I also knew that I am so far from the hardest stages. But I am so lucky that I still have the best moments ahead of me also.
My baby girl is getting bigger, getting stronger. My husband has felt her once. I can't wait until he feels her more often, until our kids can snuggle up and feel their baby sister. I LOVE knowing that she is a girl! Now if we could just give this darling little thing a name ;).
My biggest prayer is that we get to hold her and love on her, that we get great pictures with her. Every moment will be a gift, I just want her to grow in my belly long enough that when she comes out she has some meat on her bones. Please Lord, just give me at least that little thing.
I was sending a reply to someone today and wanted to remember these thoughts:
It's not a journey I would have chosen but I can already see how it's helping me grow.
I know someone going through something similar. She sent some amazing advice: basically that each moment we spend wondering about the complications and her death is a moment we don't spend embracing how perfect she is.
We all have a finite time line with our kids, we're just lucky to be so aware that ours will most likely be short.
It's amazing how the heart has the capacity to love deeply in the midst of breaking apart. The battle of the hope and the terror of the unknown.
This is a lonely process, each message from someone in our life helps to lessen that. Thank you for sending a message you could have easily only thought about.
Your prayers that we will embrace each day, focus on the blessings and heal from the pain are greatly appreciated.
I know it's uncomfortable for people to reach out, I wish they could know how much it means to me.