March 27th 2012

It's amazing to me how quickly life seems to be going back to normal.  More accurately to our "new normal".  The understanding that our baby has T18 is never out of my mind.  It's the first thing I think of in the morning, it's the thought that is always on my mind.  But I'm able to move through my day, to function fairly well considering.

I'm tired a lot.  Some of that is probably due to the slight depression that I'm trying hard not to acknowledge.

I still feel a bit of anxiety when I'm out in public.  I'm starting to show more, maybe still not enough for someone to ask if I'm pregnant, I'm not sure.  But I realize I'm not sure what to say when the topic of the pregnancy will inevitably come up someday.

"Are you pregnant?"
Yes I am.
"How is it going????"

Hmm... kind of a loaded question.  How do I answer that?  For someone I'll never see again I'm sure I can give a simple answer. "It's great, thanks."

But what about the people who we'll see in the future?  The people who work at my son's school?  The people at the gym?  The people I will fly with for work? Won't it be more awkward to not say anything and then see them this fall (after Abby is most likely gone) and then have to tell them "She died.  Oh, but we expected it."  ACKWARD.

Role playing that out in my head feels a bit strange regardless of when I tell someone.  I just feel bad for the shock that they will feel, for the discomfort of not knowing what to say to me.  And honestly I think I'm better able to guide someone through it now than I will be in the future.

And I think Nathan's school should be prepared.  I was just realizing that I want to make sure he has a very compassionate teacher.  Who knows what next year will be like for our family.  We have no idea how long we'll be able to have Abigail with us, will she visit his school or will she be gone before he starts?  Will I be a heap of myself having trouble getting through the day?  What impact will my inevitable emotions have on my children?  Not just my emotions but Trevers and my parents as well?  Not to mention the kids own emotions of bringing a new baby home and the extra stress that may cause the family, and then the probable loss and the sadness, confusion they will experience.

Oh my, there is so much ahead of us and very little we can actually plan for.  No wonder I am so tired, no wonder I forget to even think about what I should be making for dinner.