Thursday, March 29, 2012

March 29th, 2012

It's easy to think that just because I have good days means I'm going to be "fine" for the long haul.  Clearly that isn't true.

It's also easy to get worried when I'm having a difficult day.  How long will it last?  How often will it happen during the next 4 months?

I'm glad today was a "good" day.  It's a reminder that storms will come, but they will pass.

Unfortunately we  also realize we're not even at the "hard" part.  We talked a bit today about the choices ahead, the unknowns.  There are so many more details unknown rather than known.  That's always the truth when it comes to pregnancy, to life.  It's just that we've always been able to live in ignorance, blissful ignorance.

Not so much anymore.  Who has to think about a pregnancy not coming to term, about what medical options might be available if she does live through birth, about what funeral plans to make when she inevitably dies within the first year, and then the extremely obscure chance that Abby will live past her first birthday??????

How do you brace for the grief while holding on to hope?  With only a few flutter kicks to remind you that there is an actual life involved in all of this?

It's a double edged sword to have the knowledge about T18 so early.  I always said I didn't want time to prepare, I still think that might be a truth for me.  However, this experience shows me that I could never be prepared for the pain of losing one of my other children.  Abby is no less important, but this is the only life I will know with her, there aren't any illusions.  I hope this is the worst experience I ever have to go through with my kids.

How do you plan for the future?  We have a trip to Hawaii planned in September, when do we cancel?  Trever has his 20 year reunion on August 18th, only 17 days after her due date, will we be able to go?  Will we have Abby with us?  In the Big Picture these are unimportant details, but they add to the list of confusion for me.  I can't make any decisions about Abby, other than our choice to give ourselves a chance to meet her, for her to have a chance to experience whatever life is in her future.  I just want to be able to decide SOMETHING.  (Well, something other than what's for dinner... I'd rather be off the hook for that one).

I also realize (and maybe I've said this already, I'll probably say it again) I miss my "old self".  There are defining moments in your life when you are destined to change.  Each time a child has come into our lives has definitely altered me.  But this is different.  I already see the change in myself, I already feel a sadness that I have no idea of it's permanence in my soul.  It's still early in this game, oh so early.  I have hope that someday my mental dialog won't involve coaching myself through the day.  That I'll have moments, hours, days where T18 won't define me.

That's not to say that I don't already see the blessings that will arise from this experience.  I'm blessed that my relationship with my husband is either getting stronger or just showing it's strength.  He is amazing.  I'm blessed to know that I truly believe in the Lord and His ability to guide me through this (especially when I am open and honest with myself and others).  I'm learning to be confident in my right to my emotions.  I don't need to apologize and it's okay if I admit that some days just aren't so great.

These are all blessings that will serve me well in my life.

Most important I am blessed to honor this life growing inside of me.  No matter how painful and confusing it is, I am honored to be reminded of my servitude as a mother.

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