My day started out with a great workout. It's wonderful to find that place where your physical exertion outweighs your mental and emotional output. It's not that I am able to stop thinking all together, but it takes up less space. It's such a great release.
I had a day filled with sharing our story today. We met with the pediatrician (for my daughters well child visit). I was able to talk with her about what we were facing. She told me I would still come in for "well child" visits, we would walk through this process similar to any other child. I wanted to say, "but she's going to be different!"... it's good for me to see that there is a chance for her to fit right in to our normalcy. In so many ways it won't be the same, but our schedule with our doctor will be and that was comforting. We also talked a bit about what to expect from the medical team at birth, or more importantly that we will be able to make all the decisions. I'm so happy about that, we have a lot of decisions to make and I just want to know that we are the ones who get to make the final decisions. I guess the stamp of "T18" is all you need to gain a little authority in a hospital. Does that mean they'll let me have candles, music plugged in and a beer during delivery???
As a highlight to my day I met up with friends for a very special birthday party. We chatted it up, girl style. Being near my girlfriends is home for my heart. I thought when I got this diagnosis that I would allow myself to have a drink more often (as a rule I only drink wine from time to time during pregnancy)... at first I figured what harm could it do? But then I realized that this baby is special, that she has special needs, and that I really want to meet her. She needs all the strength she can get and I don't think liquid courage will cut it. I don't feel left out, I feel happy that I get to make these choices to take care of her.
After talking, eating, talking, eating, talking... we went and did some gambling (which is always fun, especially when you end up ahead!). Then we headed back to the room for some old school music and dancing. But I couldn't seem to do it, I couldn't will my body to even fake that I wanted to have fun. It hasn't been very long, I'm hopeful that dancing and fun will find their way back into my life.
At one point I was thrilled to hear myself laugh without trying, I was smiling without pretending. It was almost normal, almost natural. The only difference was that I was listening to my (now normal) mental dialog that was congratulating me. Feel free to think I'm going mental, I definitely feel that way sometimes. It's all about steps in the right direction, tonight was a big reminder that I will be normal again. There will be ups and downs, and the biggest heartache is ahead of me, but the biggest joy is also ahead of me!
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